raves

nice dinner with the fam tonight. it was my uncle and my cousin's bday. my grandma got out of the house. so all in all it was good. i'm CHO tired. and i'm such a bad friend. i'm so stressed out right now. shit is going down, and people are about to die, and everyone expects so much and certain things from me. things i am not prepared to give. and i don't have anyone to tell this to. who wants to hear about death and sad shit like that. and when i do try to mention it, people feel sorry for me. that is not what i want. i just want to yell it all out because i am angry. i want to shoot something. i want to put people out of their misery instead of watch them fall apart before my very eyes. and i don't want to have to save everyone else in the process. i realize this is a time for family, but it is not a time for saving people from drowning in my own sorrow. its not my fault if you haven't built up any kind of relationships. i can't be there to take care of you because your parents are gone. you're the adult, not me. it hasn't occurred to you why i am not there. look around and see. does it look like i'm having fun? i just don't know what to do right now. there are fat knots in my shoulders, and bags under my eyes. and i just can't handle all this pressure. and this is just from family, not even school, or friends or sexual frustration or the like. this is just one aspect of my life that is dragging me down. i may sound coldhearted, or even completely heartless, but....i want her to go. i want it to be over with. i mean seriously, we've known for over a year that she was going to die. and she's made it longer than they expected. so let her just pass with her dignity and before it gets worse. and i want to be done with all this shit that comes along with it. i want to be done with my father. not completely done with him, but i just can't take him trying to impose his "wisdom" and "experience" on me. doesn't he understand he needs to let me live? doesn't he realize i'm smarter than he was. i'm strong, and i'm smart, and i know what will fuck me up and what will make me stronger. can't he see that i'm trying to be a good person, can't he see that i'm just as fucked inside as he is? can't he see that all the things he hates in himself are in me? can't he tell that i just want to live. and i'm trying to do that in the cleanest way possible, because its not that easy for me. can't he see that it's hard for me to live? can't he see the tears behind the smile? no. that's just it. he can't. so he doesn't understand. he doesn't see at all. he never will. no one ever will. i'm going to be the person that my family all talk shit about, but hug and smile with when i'm around. my grandma hopes she dies so she doesn't have to see me be myself. we were discussing piercings and i mentioned my lip. and she said she'd rather be dead than see me with a piercing. it hurts....to know that your family wont accept you if they knew who you really are. i guess that means its a good thing i don't know who i am. i guess its a good thing i'm not honest. with my family...with you. with any of you. none of you know who i am. not completely. i could tell a lot of you a lot of things that would shock you. its a good thing i don't tell you, though. as evidenced by a drunken comment made by one of you last night at the hypnotism that made me almost slap you. i mean...to confide in you something that personal, and scary, and...you just generalize it like that. and say it in front of people and make me feel like shit. you wont remember, because of course you were drunk...but its not the first time you've said something. and it makes me want to cry. and omg...maybe there's a reason why i'm still a virgin. maybe i'm just destined to be alone, for the rest of my life. i know you can't determine that at the age of 17, but at this rate...i will be 50 before i get to sex. maybe i don't even want a boy. boys are fucked. maybe i'm just asexual...and destined to be alone. why is that the logical conclusion? maybe i am just looking for a dream. for the movie romance where everything is perfect. and that doesn't exist. maybe i just need to lower myself. maybe i shouldn't sit here and think like this, because it will only end bad. none of this stuff matters. because until i figure it all out, i wont be able to live. getting up in the morning and just breathing takes more effort than i am willing to give right now. i wish i could die. just not wake up tomorrow. see what it felt like. would anyone REALLY miss me? sure you'd all be shocked and upset and sad...but did i really change your life? probably not. i hate that i'm sitting here, pouring out all these emotions, and i dont even have any tears to wash them down with. i'm not happy...

rants

i don't like talking about people in love. i don't like talking about how people died. i don't like talking about people who are dying. i miss him. i'm never going to have him again. never going to see him, or hug him, or hear him tell a joke. that's something i have to live with, we all have to live with. why must we rehash the circumstances that brought us to this point? do we really have to go through all of the "what ifs"? its ridiculous. i'm sorry this entry is about death. its just really around me right now. my grandma has jaundice. it's scurry. i don't want to be there to watch her be in pain. i don't want to watch her go slowly into the night. i don't like to see the ones i love in pain. that's why it seems like i don't care. because i care too much. and i really don't like talking about boys and dating and love. i don't like talking about the fact that everyone has someone but me. i don't like hearing how happy people are when i am miserable. i don't like that the first thing my family asks me when i see them after a while is "got a boyfriend yet?" i don't like a lot of things.

really?

umm... my family wants to do this family thing tomorrow... they want to all go to the gravesite together and put a flower. then out to dinner. this is not kosher with me. i mean. visiting someone's grave is a very personal thing. VERY personal. i don't feel comfortable sharing that with people who, as much as i love them, have no idea who i really am. and who the HELL goes out to dinner to remember the dearly departed? the last year and a half, i have prepared for death, because i was forewarned of it. since then, TWO people have been lost that i was not prepared for. i think because of this preparedness, i have learned to deal with it in a different way than everyone else. its not like i don't care that people die, i have just come to accept it. thats why i seem so okay with my grandma dying. i mean, i found out over a year ago that she was sick, so i have prepared myself for it. i'm ready. shit. i'm so sick of everything. i need to go write a poem.

thirteen

umm... i dont want to talk about the same old shit i always rant about. things are so back and forth for me. like a tree swaying in the breeze. only instead of a breeze, its a howling gale. and instead of a tree, its a meager shrub. every time a gust comes along, i get uprooted. the only thing is, i never really get replanted into the ground. i just dangle, partly buried, partly hanging, almost dead. each wind comes stronger and stronger. i don't know when the last little root i hang by is going to break. next monday, its been a year since my life changed. a year since i realized what was most important. what would really make or break my sanity. as tough as those times were, it didn't break me. i've broken for much more superficial reasons. but i realized something, this time last year. there are certain people who will always be there for you. i mean ALWAYS. i'm not talking about a best friend kind of always. i mean, no matter what, through thick and thin, life and death, they are there. and you can never get rid of them. as horrifying as that experience was, a lot of good came out of it. i am so glad to love a family as great as mine. i miss them all so much. this semester has been killing me. i have been so busy, i haven't had that stability that kept me safe last year. and last semester, and every other time i have cracked. all i need is one day. i just need a break. some time to become reacquainted with my life. i've been noticing lately the tensity in my jaw, and my neck. and i can't stand it. nothing helps.

outskirts of friendship...

my grandma answered the phone today, and said to the person: "he's not here right now, can i take a message? okay." and when she hung up she said: "he's dead." my oral lit presentation sucked. my teacher goes, did you time that? i'm like uh, no. and he's like. i can tell. it was a little long in the tooth. wtf!
collect calls to home. tell them that i realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone.

thoughts

my grandma has to go back to the doctor cuz they found some lumps. here's hoping she's okay. i am afraid that my grandmas are the only thing holding my family together. well, i know its not true on one side of the fam, but...like... i don't see my dad, or any of my other family unless its like, at dinner at my grandma's house. and when she dies, i'm going to be expected to handle a lot...specifically my dad...and i don't want to do that. like...if i had my way, i would just go off and live my life, and he would go off and live his. i have no problem never seeing him again. like, you know how they say that depression runs in the family, its genetic or whatever, well...he's depressed. and i'm sad when i'm around him. so why should i put myself in that situation? but on the other hand, what kind of person would I be if i just let my dad fall? i don't know. i just don't want to be sucked into his world. i'm out -peace-carly-

EyeHateTheNRA: you are too special to have no purpose

so i'm talking to kt about god right now. and i'm talking to autumn about relationships. and i'm thinking... kt says god gives her a reason to live. i don't feel the same about god as she does. so does that mean I don't have a reason? because I feel like I don't have a reason. kt says you have to go to god, cuz he's waiting for you. i don't see it that way. if god loves me so much, and wants me to be with him, he'll come to me. he'll "save" me. i don't know. autumn says i'm awesome. that makes me want to cry. people say that, then they leave. people tell you they care, then they never talk to you again. they say you'll be best friends forever, then you don't talk to them until your 10 year hs reunion. i'm sitting here telling him what i think he should do about his situation, and seriously, what basis do I have? I've only admired from afar. i've had two serious crushes my entire life. let's examine those shall we? Justin...admired from afar for almost 2 years. finally I got up the courage to ask him out, and he vaguely said yes...i don't think he ever really liked me. but whatever, i saw him ONCE the whole summer. it was an email relationship. next: loren. we all know where that one went as well. the whole you want what you can't have thing in full effect. he acted like my friend, betrayed or hurt me on multiple occasions, and i still wanted him. what is soo fucked about me that i can't have a normal relationship? why haven't I ever had a relationship? why haven't i ever had a best friend where the best friendship was mutual? I think i have been rendered uncapable of normal human interaction. I don't finish anything. here is my reasoning: I had a great idea for a story. it was brilliant, and got off to a good start. did i finish it? NO. I had a great friend, who actually liked me back. did i go out with him? did i see where it would go? NO. there in itself is yet another problem. I complain about no one wanting me, but when someone does, I turn my back on them. what the hell is that about? and that is my own problem, no denying. but what do I do about it? i've been thinking a lot about stuff lately actually. what with all my free time. and sadly, i've come full circle. at my lowest point, I had one friend (who at the time denied our friendship), I had nothing better to do than sit at home online all day, after going to school where I didn't do any homework and almost failed a number of classes. at this point, I have few friends after the end of high school parting of ways, I have nothing better to do than sit at home online all day, and I go to school two days a week and I dont do my homework, and who knows how well I am doing in each class. and what did I do to myself at my lowest point? I don't even want to rehash, but I'm sure you've all seen the scars. the scars that will always be there. I was remembering the other day, my grandpas. you know, the two who died. I really miss them. well, I miss one. is that a bad thing to say? am I going to hell for saying that I dont miss my other grandpa? seriously. and the one that I do miss, i feel soo empty all of a sudden without him. i mean, I've gotten used to not seeing him at family events, but it still haunts the back of my mind. little things remind me of him. i don't know. my grandma is about to die. if she makes it to thanksgiving it will be longer than they expected her to last. I'm not looking forward to it. I mean, I have no ties to that side of my family anymore. I hate my dad, he's a depressed alcoholic, so why would I want to go visit him if he's only going to make me feel bad? and that makes me feel bad. i don't want to never see him again. but...thats how its going. I hate when i have time for all this to go through my mind. I think my mom is right. I work better when I have no free time. because that means i have no time to think about all the things i do wrong, or could have done differently, or could have done. I have no time to get down on myself. and in a sense, me getting a job at mcdonalds last year saved my life. and now i'm left jobless, and with no prospects. i really don't know what keeps me going. in short I think my life is void of emotion. I mean, I sit here all day. i don't do anything, i don't feel anything but sorry for myself. I don't feel happy, I don't feel motivated, i don't feel alive. i don't know what to do anymore. so where am I left with all this? I have no idea. where the hell are your parents or a damn therapist when you need one. i don't want to go back to my old ways. i don't need anymore scars on my arms, I don't need to start popping pills again. but i don't think I can be happy.