really?

umm... my family wants to do this family thing tomorrow... they want to all go to the gravesite together and put a flower. then out to dinner. this is not kosher with me. i mean. visiting someone's grave is a very personal thing. VERY personal. i don't feel comfortable sharing that with people who, as much as i love them, have no idea who i really am. and who the HELL goes out to dinner to remember the dearly departed? the last year and a half, i have prepared for death, because i was forewarned of it. since then, TWO people have been lost that i was not prepared for. i think because of this preparedness, i have learned to deal with it in a different way than everyone else. its not like i don't care that people die, i have just come to accept it. thats why i seem so okay with my grandma dying. i mean, i found out over a year ago that she was sick, so i have prepared myself for it. i'm ready. shit. i'm so sick of everything. i need to go write a poem.