on choosing to leave

i moved to seattle when i was 21. it was the tail end of february, and i spent at least a month without a job and only knowing one other person in the city. finding a church to engage in became one of my highest priorities. it wasn't until that summer in 2008 that i stumbled upon Convergence, the young adult ministry at University Presbyterian Church.

very quickly, i found people who wanted to know me and people i wanted to know. within two years, i joined a small group, went on mission trips, participated in leadership and became an intern. i had found my people, my place, my home.

during that time, i grew profoundly in my faith. i found the direction and the courage to own all of the person that i am and to return to school with a vision for my life. i experienced God in ways that shook me to my core and changed me forever.

in 2012, Convergence ended. my pastor left. the service i attended on sunday was cancelled. my community was gone.

still, i did not leave. as droves of my Convergence friends left for churches that had programs that engaged them more, i decided to press into a difficult space and stay with the church that i had invested so much in. there were a couple handfuls of people left from the community i had built, and we banded together.

between 2008 and 2014 i participated in Convergence, the 7pm service, deacon ministry, several mission trips, stephen ministry, high school ministry, children's ministry, and more. i know and am connected to people of all ages within this congregation. in many ways, i have grown to love all of the people i have encountered along this journey. while Convergence is what drew me in, it was all of these people, and particularly the families that i connected with this past year that have made UPC a home for me over the past 6 years.



with all of this said, and with a very heavy heart, i made the decision to leave this home. my last sunday at UPC was in september.



i want to speak a little bit about what this process has been like for me. when i left, i was fully prepared to begin to engage in another church context. however, within a week i realized that wasn't going to happen right away.

my heart is broken. it is broken for the faces that i no longer get to see. it is broken for the relationships that i am no longer a part of. it is broken for the dear friends that i have that are still stuck in a system that causes them pain and frustration.

my soul is healing. it is healing from the hurt of a community that chose not to listen to my voice. it is healing from the wounds of having to shut of my soul and convictions in order to enter the sanctuary. it is healing from a year of encountering God in every place but the sanctuary.

i am grieving the loss of part of my community and figuring out how to worship God in church again. this is a painful process. though i felt a clear sense from God that it was time to leave, i was not ready for all that leaving entailed.

i chose to leave. and i am dealing with the consequences of that choice, both positive and negative.

Retrospectives: Jordan Crouch

It is coming up on one year since my friend Jordan unexpectedly passed away. I'd like to share a little bit about the Jordo I knew, the impact he had on me, and some thoughts I've had this year without him around. I met Jordan a few months after I moved to Seattle, thanks to the friendship of Kristen and Elise. Jordan welcomed us both with open arms. We all met at a bar, and within minutes Jordan was trying to find an excuse to throw a party to officially welcome us. That's exactly who Jordan was. The most welcoming person I've ever met. He was always ready to listen, and support, always ready to have a good time, and usually encouraging you to do something ridiculous. He loved Jesus, he loved his wife and son, he loved working with youth, and he loved his friends and family. I am nothing short of blessed for having gotten the opportunity to know him, no matter how brief our time was. I love you and miss you jojo. 12-18-1981 to 1-2-2010

sad

my grandma's house is all cleaned out. only major furniture left. its really sad that all their stuff is gone, and that my dad and my aunt are fighting. i feel so helpless. my dad's being just sad. he's seeing a berevement councelor, so hopefully that helps him. i want him to be happy. but i know i am not the person who can do that. i want to hang out with loren again. i need to meet new people. i guess loren and i are hanging out tomorrow, going to a show or something. the show is kinda bootsie though, maybe we will do something else. after our conversation the other day, i think i understand him a lot better. why he did some of the things he did, etc. i think it will be good for me to have a friendship with him. there's really no more attraction there, and i'm happy to say it. i'm a different person, he's a different person, it just might be the right time for friendship. here's hoping. i can't wait for school to start. i miss the bustle.

gah

I WANT TO SCREEEAAAAMMM. there is so much that i want to say and so much to rant about and vent, etc. but i wont. its all so ridiculous. i feel like i'm the only one who is concerned with everyone. its RIDIC. hopefully my little break today with adam/jen will be helpful. i'll at least get to decide what my schedule will be like next semester. it will all work out. if i need a little stress for a little bit of security, that's fine by me. love.

she is gonna go there with her fancy hat and take those gates!!!

services party today. soooo many people there!! including some random who brought yearbooks with my grandparents in them. how sweet. lots of food. lots of family, and lots of osteoperosis. great day though. people were finally gone around 6.30 and everyone just chilled and napped a bit, then we talked about EVERYTHING. politics, religion, childhood frog stories, etc. i called my cousin, who is the biggest airhead EVER, a goober today, and this whole big thing spawned about her being from another planet, etc. anyways, and we ended up going back to that joke a LOT all evening, and i decided i would write a "lotr" type story involving her being the queen on the planet goober. there was talk of writing because all the old people kept asking me how college was and what was my major, and i kept saying i hate it i want to go to long beach and be a creative writing major. all in all it was an okay day, despite the circumstances. i really love all my family, even though they can get on my nerves. you just need to know how to work them and which buttons not to press. i have the difficult task of helping my dad and my aunt sort out the estate of my grandparents. like cleaning house and going through personal effects. which will suck basically because there isn't an inch of that house that isn't cluttered with something. but could be good because ample time for familial bonding and reminiscing and souvenir scavenging. woot. that doesn't mean i'm off limits though. so if someone wants to rescue me from this dismal form of torture, gimme a holler.

Mary Anne Delavan

rest in peace.Mary Anne Delavan i saw her yesterday. i am glad. but in this time, i am alone. tim is in los angeles living it up at disneyland, and my mother is not to be reached in oregon. i am on my way to my dad and aunt, but for the last few hours, i've been here alone. left to think. its going to be heartwrenching being there. i'm monstrously relieved that she has passed, she was in so much pain. but for my aunt and my dad it is very different to see your mother go. especially when she was all you had left. i want to talk to my mom, but i can't get ahold of her. i love you all, in case i don't say it enough.

dying

i don't like when people die. i don't know mg at all...i know who he is. like i saw him around. but that is still terrible. i don't know what else to say...i have to go visit my dying grandma today after school. and i should prolly go see the other one that just got out of the hospital. isn't it fun watching your family crumble right before your eyes? i think so.