to the mountaintop

i found this poem that i never posted. it accompanied a painting that i made as part of my process of reflection after a trip to new orleans and jackson, mississippi in 2009.

there's something electric in the air today it has the energy of a revolution of truth & love

my eyes are open to things broken: to the battered lives bound by hurt and to the chains that lie in ruins around a life that has been redeemed

and you are calling me to the mountaintop

i run hard with all i have to meet you there

this is the journey you and i are on one day high laughing, living, rejoicing and all too quickly facedown struggling to regain what has been lost

the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in his wings

let's start a revolution against the forces that impede truth

let's start a revolution against unforgiveness

let's start a revolution against cycles of hurt passed on to others

let's start a revolution of hope.

Retrospectives: Jordan Crouch

It is coming up on one year since my friend Jordan unexpectedly passed away. I'd like to share a little bit about the Jordo I knew, the impact he had on me, and some thoughts I've had this year without him around. I met Jordan a few months after I moved to Seattle, thanks to the friendship of Kristen and Elise. Jordan welcomed us both with open arms. We all met at a bar, and within minutes Jordan was trying to find an excuse to throw a party to officially welcome us. That's exactly who Jordan was. The most welcoming person I've ever met. He was always ready to listen, and support, always ready to have a good time, and usually encouraging you to do something ridiculous. He loved Jesus, he loved his wife and son, he loved working with youth, and he loved his friends and family. I am nothing short of blessed for having gotten the opportunity to know him, no matter how brief our time was. I love you and miss you jojo. 12-18-1981 to 1-2-2010

Retrospectives: 5 days until Seattle, musings on a boy

I'm starting completely over in a new place and that is so scary. But for as scared as I am, I'm so excited to define the terms of my life and decide who I let in. I have found comfort in the challenge that lies ahead of me and I pray that I take advantage of and learn from every new opportunity that comes my way. There is the matter of this boy who has somehow entered my life. I have no idea where he is at or what he is thinking. He has made many comments about the future and alluding to a relationship between us but he has not said anything flat out. He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, but he's held my hand… I have been thinking a lot about how I feel about this possibility, given the fact that he lives in LA, I'm going to be living in Seattle and I have never been in any kind of relationship, let alone a long distance one. But here's what I've come up with. I've decided that I like him. That has happened before, no big deal, but here's the difference: there have been guys that I've wanted to get to know but with this one, not only do I want to know him, I want him to know me. I actually had that conscious thought. I am not the most willing person to share myself with others. So I feel like this is a big deal for me, and that makes it something I want to pursue. however, given that he hasn't made his intentions clear, I'm hesitant to hand him my heart until I know he wants it and is ready to receive it. So I guess, to put a visual metaphor on the situation, I have a reserved sign there for him. 3.29.10 Thoughts now: I read what I wrote about moving to Seattle, and taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I think I've done a pretty good job of this so far. I can't say I've done well with every opportunity, but I have done a lot of new things, been challenged by a lot, and come out on the other side. So I count this a success. As for the boy, clearly that didn't work out. I was upset for a while afterward, because the last time I spoke to him, we had a conversation in which we agreed that its incredibly difficult to have a long distance relationship, but that we both wanted to continue to get to know each other. Then, nothing. No more calls, no messages, nothing. I have yet to this day to have closure on that. I think for the most part, I'm over it, it doesn't affect me, etc. However, I think that I'm still pretty hesitant to share who I really am with people. Situations like this make it hard for me to be vulnerable and feel safe. Mostly with gentleman-folk. I hope that I'm making progress in this department, but it takes time and strategically placed people.

Retrospectives: Love is...

to me… Love is a Fairy Tale that we're too old to believe like wishing on stars and childhood dreams too juvenile to be real to me… Love is Weakness a side of yourself you never show unless you want to hurt like a wound that never heals to me… Love is Regret seeing your mistakes in my eyes wishing you were somewhere else with anyone else but me to me… Love is a Commodity to be sold and held for ransom to be given and taken away to me… Love is Abandon and not abandoning self to experience love but abandon like gone and left here alone

Retrospectives: a turn around

Dearest Holy Father, I feel so disconnected from you. And I know that is all my fault. I have tried to carry my burdens (and the burdens of others, for that matter) all by myself. I should be giving it up to you. I shouldn't be giving in to temptations that I know are wrong and I can feel you telling me no even as I go through with them. I am a lonely, broken person, Lord, and I have yet to figure out how it is possible that you can see me any different. I need to start seeing myself the way you see me and then maybe I will understand life a little better. Right now I am so insecure about myself that I preach vulnerability and honesty and sharing each other's burdens but I haven't been willing to make myself vulnerable and be honest with the people around me about who I really am. I realize how controlled my life is by fear. I live in constant fear of opening myself up to be loved and no one wanting to love me. I am so afraid that people will be overwhelmed by the mess that I am and just give-up on loving me. Is this a form of pride? Judging people prematurely and not giving them a chance because I think I am so much more screwed up than anyone else? I want so much to be loved by people. How am I so closed off to love then? I want to be loved but I wont let anyone in. How does that make any sense? How is that Godly? I am so broken, I can't even comprehend the extent of it. It boggles my mind to sit and think about the mess that I am. All I want is a relationship with you and for you to heal me, Lord. Jesus, I do invite you in. Come to my heart in these shattered places. Come in and be with me in my fear of abandonment, my lack of comfort in my own skin and my heart that is blockaded from love. Come to me, my Savior. I open this door of my heart. I give you permission to heal my wounds. Come to me here. Come for me here. Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said of me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the agreement I made with "I am not worthy of love", "I am overwhelming", "I am ugly", "I am not worth anything". I renounce the agreement I've been making with these messages all these years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of Truth. I reject these lies. Jesus, come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered places within me. Come for the little girl that was wounded. Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do - heal my broken heart and set me free. Jesus, come and rescue me. Set me free from self-hatred, shame, anger, depression, addiction, fear, resentment and self-doubt. Release me from darkness. Bring your vengeance on my enemies. I reject them and ask you to take them to judgement. Set my heart free. Father, I need your love. Come to the core of my heart. Come and bring your love for me. Help me to know you for who you really are - not as I see my earthly father. Reveal yourself to me. Reveal your love for me. Tell me what I mean to you. Come, and father me. Jesus, the time is now. I'm tired of the same circle of healing (momentary) and relapse. I want to know you as my reality. One that lasts through calm and through storm, not just fading in and out with the seasons. Show me how to make you that. Show me who I am. Bring me clarity and peace and healing. Show me where I am wrong about my perceptions and help me to cultivate new ones. Show me your will for this life of mine and shoo me where you want to use me. Show me the steps to take and how to take them.

Retrospectives: taken advantage of...

go ahead! MANIPULATE ME with your words because your actions speak the truth. but I will MANIPULATE YOU too with my own agenda on my mind and we will live these lives of lies because none of us really wants the other around and hate is the undertone of our friendship maybe hate is too strong maybe this is a righteous anger meh…who am i kidding? i will take whatever you give me just because that is who I am…

Retrospectives: she

once upon a timethere was a broken heart… and she liked to pretend she thought she looked better in pieces and liked the sound of the screams in her head the trees and the wind cry with her because when she hurts the whole world can feel her pain one day she lost her hope and couldn't pretend anymore she didn't realize how many pieces she was in or how much it hurt but she is still trying to go on she is still ignoring when will she realize she can't ignore herself anymore? when is her happily ever after?