Retrospectives: a turn around
Dearest Holy Father, I feel so disconnected from you. And I know that is all my fault. I have tried to carry my burdens (and the burdens of others, for that matter) all by myself. I should be giving it up to you. I shouldn't be giving in to temptations that I know are wrong and I can feel you telling me no even as I go through with them. I am a lonely, broken person, Lord, and I have yet to figure out how it is possible that you can see me any different. I need to start seeing myself the way you see me and then maybe I will understand life a little better. Right now I am so insecure about myself that I preach vulnerability and honesty and sharing each other's burdens but I haven't been willing to make myself vulnerable and be honest with the people around me about who I really am. I realize how controlled my life is by fear. I live in constant fear of opening myself up to be loved and no one wanting to love me. I am so afraid that people will be overwhelmed by the mess that I am and just give-up on loving me. Is this a form of pride? Judging people prematurely and not giving them a chance because I think I am so much more screwed up than anyone else? I want so much to be loved by people. How am I so closed off to love then? I want to be loved but I wont let anyone in. How does that make any sense? How is that Godly? I am so broken, I can't even comprehend the extent of it. It boggles my mind to sit and think about the mess that I am. All I want is a relationship with you and for you to heal me, Lord. Jesus, I do invite you in. Come to my heart in these shattered places. Come in and be with me in my fear of abandonment, my lack of comfort in my own skin and my heart that is blockaded from love. Come to me, my Savior. I open this door of my heart. I give you permission to heal my wounds. Come to me here. Come for me here. Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said of me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the agreement I made with "I am not worthy of love", "I am overwhelming", "I am ugly", "I am not worth anything". I renounce the agreement I've been making with these messages all these years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of Truth. I reject these lies. Jesus, come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered places within me. Come for the little girl that was wounded. Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do - heal my broken heart and set me free. Jesus, come and rescue me. Set me free from self-hatred, shame, anger, depression, addiction, fear, resentment and self-doubt. Release me from darkness. Bring your vengeance on my enemies. I reject them and ask you to take them to judgement. Set my heart free. Father, I need your love. Come to the core of my heart. Come and bring your love for me. Help me to know you for who you really are - not as I see my earthly father. Reveal yourself to me. Reveal your love for me. Tell me what I mean to you. Come, and father me. Jesus, the time is now. I'm tired of the same circle of healing (momentary) and relapse. I want to know you as my reality. One that lasts through calm and through storm, not just fading in and out with the seasons. Show me how to make you that. Show me who I am. Bring me clarity and peace and healing. Show me where I am wrong about my perceptions and help me to cultivate new ones. Show me your will for this life of mine and shoo me where you want to use me. Show me the steps to take and how to take them.
