EyeHateTheNRA: you are too special to have no purpose

so i'm talking to kt about god right now. and i'm talking to autumn about relationships. and i'm thinking... kt says god gives her a reason to live. i don't feel the same about god as she does. so does that mean I don't have a reason? because I feel like I don't have a reason. kt says you have to go to god, cuz he's waiting for you. i don't see it that way. if god loves me so much, and wants me to be with him, he'll come to me. he'll "save" me. i don't know. autumn says i'm awesome. that makes me want to cry. people say that, then they leave. people tell you they care, then they never talk to you again. they say you'll be best friends forever, then you don't talk to them until your 10 year hs reunion. i'm sitting here telling him what i think he should do about his situation, and seriously, what basis do I have? I've only admired from afar. i've had two serious crushes my entire life. let's examine those shall we? Justin...admired from afar for almost 2 years. finally I got up the courage to ask him out, and he vaguely said yes...i don't think he ever really liked me. but whatever, i saw him ONCE the whole summer. it was an email relationship. next: loren. we all know where that one went as well. the whole you want what you can't have thing in full effect. he acted like my friend, betrayed or hurt me on multiple occasions, and i still wanted him. what is soo fucked about me that i can't have a normal relationship? why haven't I ever had a relationship? why haven't i ever had a best friend where the best friendship was mutual? I think i have been rendered uncapable of normal human interaction. I don't finish anything. here is my reasoning: I had a great idea for a story. it was brilliant, and got off to a good start. did i finish it? NO. I had a great friend, who actually liked me back. did i go out with him? did i see where it would go? NO. there in itself is yet another problem. I complain about no one wanting me, but when someone does, I turn my back on them. what the hell is that about? and that is my own problem, no denying. but what do I do about it? i've been thinking a lot about stuff lately actually. what with all my free time. and sadly, i've come full circle. at my lowest point, I had one friend (who at the time denied our friendship), I had nothing better to do than sit at home online all day, after going to school where I didn't do any homework and almost failed a number of classes. at this point, I have few friends after the end of high school parting of ways, I have nothing better to do than sit at home online all day, and I go to school two days a week and I dont do my homework, and who knows how well I am doing in each class. and what did I do to myself at my lowest point? I don't even want to rehash, but I'm sure you've all seen the scars. the scars that will always be there. I was remembering the other day, my grandpas. you know, the two who died. I really miss them. well, I miss one. is that a bad thing to say? am I going to hell for saying that I dont miss my other grandpa? seriously. and the one that I do miss, i feel soo empty all of a sudden without him. i mean, I've gotten used to not seeing him at family events, but it still haunts the back of my mind. little things remind me of him. i don't know. my grandma is about to die. if she makes it to thanksgiving it will be longer than they expected her to last. I'm not looking forward to it. I mean, I have no ties to that side of my family anymore. I hate my dad, he's a depressed alcoholic, so why would I want to go visit him if he's only going to make me feel bad? and that makes me feel bad. i don't want to never see him again. but...thats how its going. I hate when i have time for all this to go through my mind. I think my mom is right. I work better when I have no free time. because that means i have no time to think about all the things i do wrong, or could have done differently, or could have done. I have no time to get down on myself. and in a sense, me getting a job at mcdonalds last year saved my life. and now i'm left jobless, and with no prospects. i really don't know what keeps me going. in short I think my life is void of emotion. I mean, I sit here all day. i don't do anything, i don't feel anything but sorry for myself. I don't feel happy, I don't feel motivated, i don't feel alive. i don't know what to do anymore. so where am I left with all this? I have no idea. where the hell are your parents or a damn therapist when you need one. i don't want to go back to my old ways. i don't need anymore scars on my arms, I don't need to start popping pills again. but i don't think I can be happy.