raves

nice dinner with the fam tonight. it was my uncle and my cousin's bday. my grandma got out of the house. so all in all it was good. i'm CHO tired. and i'm such a bad friend. i'm so stressed out right now. shit is going down, and people are about to die, and everyone expects so much and certain things from me. things i am not prepared to give. and i don't have anyone to tell this to. who wants to hear about death and sad shit like that. and when i do try to mention it, people feel sorry for me. that is not what i want. i just want to yell it all out because i am angry. i want to shoot something. i want to put people out of their misery instead of watch them fall apart before my very eyes. and i don't want to have to save everyone else in the process. i realize this is a time for family, but it is not a time for saving people from drowning in my own sorrow. its not my fault if you haven't built up any kind of relationships. i can't be there to take care of you because your parents are gone. you're the adult, not me. it hasn't occurred to you why i am not there. look around and see. does it look like i'm having fun? i just don't know what to do right now. there are fat knots in my shoulders, and bags under my eyes. and i just can't handle all this pressure. and this is just from family, not even school, or friends or sexual frustration or the like. this is just one aspect of my life that is dragging me down. i may sound coldhearted, or even completely heartless, but....i want her to go. i want it to be over with. i mean seriously, we've known for over a year that she was going to die. and she's made it longer than they expected. so let her just pass with her dignity and before it gets worse. and i want to be done with all this shit that comes along with it. i want to be done with my father. not completely done with him, but i just can't take him trying to impose his "wisdom" and "experience" on me. doesn't he understand he needs to let me live? doesn't he realize i'm smarter than he was. i'm strong, and i'm smart, and i know what will fuck me up and what will make me stronger. can't he see that i'm trying to be a good person, can't he see that i'm just as fucked inside as he is? can't he see that all the things he hates in himself are in me? can't he tell that i just want to live. and i'm trying to do that in the cleanest way possible, because its not that easy for me. can't he see that it's hard for me to live? can't he see the tears behind the smile? no. that's just it. he can't. so he doesn't understand. he doesn't see at all. he never will. no one ever will. i'm going to be the person that my family all talk shit about, but hug and smile with when i'm around. my grandma hopes she dies so she doesn't have to see me be myself. we were discussing piercings and i mentioned my lip. and she said she'd rather be dead than see me with a piercing. it hurts....to know that your family wont accept you if they knew who you really are. i guess that means its a good thing i don't know who i am. i guess its a good thing i'm not honest. with my family...with you. with any of you. none of you know who i am. not completely. i could tell a lot of you a lot of things that would shock you. its a good thing i don't tell you, though. as evidenced by a drunken comment made by one of you last night at the hypnotism that made me almost slap you. i mean...to confide in you something that personal, and scary, and...you just generalize it like that. and say it in front of people and make me feel like shit. you wont remember, because of course you were drunk...but its not the first time you've said something. and it makes me want to cry. and omg...maybe there's a reason why i'm still a virgin. maybe i'm just destined to be alone, for the rest of my life. i know you can't determine that at the age of 17, but at this rate...i will be 50 before i get to sex. maybe i don't even want a boy. boys are fucked. maybe i'm just asexual...and destined to be alone. why is that the logical conclusion? maybe i am just looking for a dream. for the movie romance where everything is perfect. and that doesn't exist. maybe i just need to lower myself. maybe i shouldn't sit here and think like this, because it will only end bad. none of this stuff matters. because until i figure it all out, i wont be able to live. getting up in the morning and just breathing takes more effort than i am willing to give right now. i wish i could die. just not wake up tomorrow. see what it felt like. would anyone REALLY miss me? sure you'd all be shocked and upset and sad...but did i really change your life? probably not. i hate that i'm sitting here, pouring out all these emotions, and i dont even have any tears to wash them down with. i'm not happy...