coming clean

here's the thing: it is summer. this wristband is getting on my nerves. i want to come clean. i feel like there is a HUGE weight on my shoulders, a large secret i am hiding, and it is taking all my effort to keep it. and it is getting ridiculous to wear this thing everywhere. i'm getting a tanline. i want my family to know, and understand. i don't want to hide anymore. i was sitting with my aunt today, and i just wanted to tell her. i had this overwhelming urge to just say, look, i have something i need to tell you. i can't handle this anymore. its a part of my past, why shouldn't i be able to come clean about it? i just wish it would go away. its so much easier said that done. maybe i should start by coming clean to all of you guys. not that you read this, or care. i think i will. come clean. here it goes. I am a cutter. A self-mutilater as they say. I have been for 3 years. I wont begin to try to explain WHY it is I am this way, because it goes completely beyond words, and no one can truly understand until they have been in the situaion. I say am because i believe it is not something that goes away. I see it as something akin to nationality. For example, say you were born in France, and moved to America when you were 10. You will always be French, even if you don't live there. Right? Well that's how I see this. I am a cutter. I don't do it anymore. I have grown so much, learned so much. This is not to say that I don't have the urge to do it, because I do. I have learned self-control, and I think the biggest thing that has saved me is faith. It's slightly hard to explain. I am such a different person than I was, even 3 months ago. I don't love myself, I am far from understanding myself and how I think, I am not necessarily happy, but I have faith. Faith in myself, in other things, not really in a lot of people, but faith. I feel like this is a stage in my life that was essential for me to experience for me to finally be in the place that I am in right now, and I have no regrets. Live and learn. I just want everyone to understand where I am coming from, and who I am, and that I am tired of hiding who I was. I stress was. I feel like I can say all this stuff and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, because I'm okay with myself. I am okay with that part of my life and I am ready to move on. That involves closure though, and this may be the only way I get it. So, this is what I have to say, I suppose. If you have comments or want to say whatever you want, go right ahead.

hopelessly...i love you endlessly.

umm tonight: an unexpected call from the past. one i was not prepared to take, nor prepared to deal with. not that there's really all that much to deal with. but, her return spawns so much. she'll expect things to return to what they were before she left. but the truth is, our relationship was falling apart before she moved. i feel like i need to cut these ties. the negative relationships of my past that were once what kept me sane...have changed into these things that define who i was. i don't want to be identified with that person anymore. so i am moving on.. faith: its something i haven't talked about in a couple weeks. i am still learning, tweaking, etc. i was watching dogma today, and rufus made hella sense. he said he doesn't like beliefs because they can't be changed easily. people should stick with ideas. i think that's hella true. because there are so many things to believe out there, all you can really do is have an idea, because you never know when things might change, and how you will feel later on. james: i like him. but do i really? or is it just me being tired of alone? i wish i knew. and who knows..maybe when i meet him, i will feel differently. i wish i could pray about these things. that's a step i haven't taken yet. its a big step, for someone to talk to an entity that for so long, they didn't believe was there. i don't know what else to say. i'm really tired. i like stating myself out here in lj-land for all to see. it makes me feel so vulnerable, but yet liberated because its just that much less that i'm carrying secretly inside. i hope you understand.

up-date-able

something profound and introspective as usual? i think so.. i think i'm ready to talk openly to all of you, you livejournal cult members. and those of you who i haven't had a chance to talk to. its still a little weird from me, but i don't like keeping it inside because it is something you need to be proud of. i'm enjoying my newfound love. if you could call it a love. maybe, a meaning. for those of you who know, or remember or whatever, i've struggled with religion for years and years, just not being raised with it in my life, and trying to open myself to the possibilities. i came really close my sophomore year, but nothing really happened. well, it finally did. i wasn't at my most desperate, or depressed or anything like that, but it was more at my most empty. i felt as if everything in my life left me with a void, and everything around me was so superficial and i just couldn't take it anymore. the emptiness was nagging at my insides, my heart, etc. i was thinking of what could possibly fill that void, and how could jesus not pop into my mind? after soul searching for years and ups and down like no one knows, i felt like i needed to be saved from this emptiness-plague. who better to save than jesus? so with kind words from a few good friends, i decided that it was time. i opened my heart, made myself completely vulnerable, and accepted jesus into my heart. and this may sound like a load of fanatical mumbo jumbo, but it really is like people say. its this amazing feeling of love and fulfillment. i went to sleep with a smile on my face for a week. i'm not ready to call myself anything in particular, though i doubt i ever will, because i have never been a believer in organized religion, and i think that major faiths out there are just large-scale cults. now you may think that is weird, "how can you believe in jesus but not in religion?". but i say to you, it is simple. a person's relationship with jesus is just that. PERSONAL. not something to be shared with a congregation. sure once in a while, it is nice to go and share all that stuff with other people, but your relationship with God should not depend on where you meet every sunday or who you are with. anyway, this new passion has left me with a hunger for knowledge. mainly that of the history of it all. i want to learn. my progress in this department has been hindered by the simple fact that i don't own a bible, and even if i did, i most likely wouldn't understand it. at this point in time, all i really know is that i've opened myself up, i'm ready to admit my sins and be saved, and this feeling of emptiness is dissipating. i wish, not necessarily for those who don't believe to take my path, but for this to start the ball rolling, and maybe get you to re-evaluate something about yourself. if not to find faith, and least let you strive to be a better person. i love you all. and i'm sorry i sound like a fanatic. i don't like it either. don't bother to read that if you don't care about my insights.. you wont like it. and please refrain from any negative comments?

perplexicon

I don't know. I am going to try to write this whole entry in proper grammar and punctuation form. That sentence was probably grammatically incorrect already. Oh well. So somehow, I always flip when that episode is on, and I don't like to watch it because it makes me want to do it. Which is so weird, because emotionally, I'm not broken up, or upset or depressed or whatever. I'm perfectly fine, I just have these desires. It really is like an addiction. Like heroin. I don't think it's about negative emotions for me anymore, I think it's more of an physical dependence, or an emotional dependence, where I feel like I crave it. I would imagine that heroin addicts can feel their blood pulse through their veins when they have a craving. That is sort of how I feel. I can feel every milliliter of blood in my body all at once. I need a new addiction. Something to get my mind off of this one. I was thinking perhaps my newfound faith could help in that department, however I have not the means to study it. There is only so much you can get from the Internet, and it is so distracting. Otherwise I would have written an essay today, and done my Math homework. But that didn't happen. I also need to focus on school. Finals are looming, and I am way behind. I need to squeeze an A out of my ass on my English final if I want to get a C in the class. And who knows what I got on my Math midterm because Lal hasn't handed them back. Dorman needs some work as well, but I have assignments due, it's not a critical situation like the others. History is a shoo-in because I got a B+ on the midterm, so as long as I don't BOMB the final, I will be fine. Theater sucks, but I have only a final presentation left, so I'll wing it. It's not going to stop, until you wise up.

run away

i need a change. i want to run away. i mean run..i could really pick it all up, say PEACE and be on my way. i hate to say it..i hate to i hate to i hate to..but its plaguing my thoughts.. i want to be honest with you..the two people that are closest to me, physically and emotionally.. but i can't. i don't want to hurt you. maybe if i could say it to your face.. it would sound so heartless here. i want a lot of things..a rare few am i actually receiving, and even those are in little amounts. i need to change something about myself..maybe its me. i really don't know. part of me thinks you wont understand..part of me thinks you never did.

i want to be saved..

i feel like a different person.. all twisted and contorted into all sorts of shapes and figures, and each person i see sees something different in me.. i need a change..i'm going to do my hair, dye it some weird color, cut it all off, shave my head something like that. i want to go shopping and spend all my money, i want a reason for why i feel like shit.. this is why it scares me so. i feel like shit, but for no reason. i just hurt all over and i can't explain.

i'm sorry

but i feel bad..like eating my heart out..like i always get.. things are so weird right now.. everything i eat makes me sick..if i don't eat, i get sick.. i don't understand what is going on with the people around me.. i'm scared its all coming to an end.. i just want to move to somewhere and start over.. where no one knows what a jerk i am..or where i came from, and i can make up a whole new existence.