coming clean

here's the thing: it is summer. this wristband is getting on my nerves. i want to come clean. i feel like there is a HUGE weight on my shoulders, a large secret i am hiding, and it is taking all my effort to keep it. and it is getting ridiculous to wear this thing everywhere. i'm getting a tanline. i want my family to know, and understand. i don't want to hide anymore. i was sitting with my aunt today, and i just wanted to tell her. i had this overwhelming urge to just say, look, i have something i need to tell you. i can't handle this anymore. its a part of my past, why shouldn't i be able to come clean about it? i just wish it would go away. its so much easier said that done. maybe i should start by coming clean to all of you guys. not that you read this, or care. i think i will. come clean. here it goes. I am a cutter. A self-mutilater as they say. I have been for 3 years. I wont begin to try to explain WHY it is I am this way, because it goes completely beyond words, and no one can truly understand until they have been in the situaion. I say am because i believe it is not something that goes away. I see it as something akin to nationality. For example, say you were born in France, and moved to America when you were 10. You will always be French, even if you don't live there. Right? Well that's how I see this. I am a cutter. I don't do it anymore. I have grown so much, learned so much. This is not to say that I don't have the urge to do it, because I do. I have learned self-control, and I think the biggest thing that has saved me is faith. It's slightly hard to explain. I am such a different person than I was, even 3 months ago. I don't love myself, I am far from understanding myself and how I think, I am not necessarily happy, but I have faith. Faith in myself, in other things, not really in a lot of people, but faith. I feel like this is a stage in my life that was essential for me to experience for me to finally be in the place that I am in right now, and I have no regrets. Live and learn. I just want everyone to understand where I am coming from, and who I am, and that I am tired of hiding who I was. I stress was. I feel like I can say all this stuff and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, because I'm okay with myself. I am okay with that part of my life and I am ready to move on. That involves closure though, and this may be the only way I get it. So, this is what I have to say, I suppose. If you have comments or want to say whatever you want, go right ahead.