up-date-able
something profound and introspective as usual? i think so.. i think i'm ready to talk openly to all of you, you livejournal cult members. and those of you who i haven't had a chance to talk to. its still a little weird from me, but i don't like keeping it inside because it is something you need to be proud of. i'm enjoying my newfound love. if you could call it a love. maybe, a meaning. for those of you who know, or remember or whatever, i've struggled with religion for years and years, just not being raised with it in my life, and trying to open myself to the possibilities. i came really close my sophomore year, but nothing really happened. well, it finally did. i wasn't at my most desperate, or depressed or anything like that, but it was more at my most empty. i felt as if everything in my life left me with a void, and everything around me was so superficial and i just couldn't take it anymore. the emptiness was nagging at my insides, my heart, etc. i was thinking of what could possibly fill that void, and how could jesus not pop into my mind? after soul searching for years and ups and down like no one knows, i felt like i needed to be saved from this emptiness-plague. who better to save than jesus? so with kind words from a few good friends, i decided that it was time. i opened my heart, made myself completely vulnerable, and accepted jesus into my heart. and this may sound like a load of fanatical mumbo jumbo, but it really is like people say. its this amazing feeling of love and fulfillment. i went to sleep with a smile on my face for a week. i'm not ready to call myself anything in particular, though i doubt i ever will, because i have never been a believer in organized religion, and i think that major faiths out there are just large-scale cults. now you may think that is weird, "how can you believe in jesus but not in religion?". but i say to you, it is simple. a person's relationship with jesus is just that. PERSONAL. not something to be shared with a congregation. sure once in a while, it is nice to go and share all that stuff with other people, but your relationship with God should not depend on where you meet every sunday or who you are with. anyway, this new passion has left me with a hunger for knowledge. mainly that of the history of it all. i want to learn. my progress in this department has been hindered by the simple fact that i don't own a bible, and even if i did, i most likely wouldn't understand it. at this point in time, all i really know is that i've opened myself up, i'm ready to admit my sins and be saved, and this feeling of emptiness is dissipating. i wish, not necessarily for those who don't believe to take my path, but for this to start the ball rolling, and maybe get you to re-evaluate something about yourself. if not to find faith, and least let you strive to be a better person. i love you all. and i'm sorry i sound like a fanatic. i don't like it either. don't bother to read that if you don't care about my insights.. you wont like it. and please refrain from any negative comments?
