defined

after regurgitating and dealing with some of my past hurts in the last month and a half, i'm on my way back to where i thought i was before then. i feel more confident this time around, because for the first time through a struggle, i did not lose sight of my reason for continuing through the muck. normally i lose hope and faith in both myself and God. but this time around, i kept pursuing his will, and did not surrender to myself and satan. i believe i have come out stronger, and perhaps more ready to embark on the next journey of realizing exactly who God says i am in his word, as well as the uniqueness he has bestowed upon me and my heart. not only that, but learning to love myself because of it. don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely sure that i will have my moments of insecurity. mainly because i'm still in the "starry-eyed" phase where i think everything is going to work out and be a breeze from here, but i still struggle with my insecurity. i still wonder whether or not you really mean it when you say you love me. the only difference is, now...i don't need you to remind me. i can remind myself of all that you have done for me and the blessing and encouragement that your friendship has been. through this particular time period last year, God blessed me by giving me a new sense of awareness about myself and how i react and think in different situations. this year, God has blessed me with clarity in situations which have brought me to these reactions and avenues of thought. do you know what this means? this means that God is real, and it is true that he is continuously helping us strive for sanctification and pointing us in the direction of his glory. last year, i was struggling a lot with being undefined. having no clear picture of who i am. i feel like i still don't have a good idea, but God is giving me the eyes to see things clearer. i'm starting to make out definition in my life. and though one part of me may desire to have the perfect family with 2.5 kids where the husband works all day and comes home to a well-cooked meal in our suburban home with a white picket fence, and another part of me may desire the adventurous life of traveling the world doing big things for small people in the name of Christ with or without a husband, i can be okay with that. i don't have to be defined by my hypothetical future. why worry about tomorrow when today is enough trouble of its own. all this said and done, here's what i've decided. >i am more valuable than what i make myself out to be. i'm tired of working to develop friendships that aren't being reciprocated. i can offer you my love all i want, but if you never take it then it is going to waste. i am going to save the love i have to give for someone who will accept it and give it back to me. >as people get older and discover more about themselves, they start to narrow down the people they interact with on a regular basis. i think i have come to a point where i don't need to have a million people to call when i'm bored. i am satisfied with having the few close friends that i do. i don't desire to hang out and do something awesome and random everyday just to keep my life exciting. i am perfectly content sitting at home watching a movie and goofing off in front of a camera. >though this may completely contradict what i just said, i want an adventure. i want to take a trip, meet new people, discover more about God. whether that means dts in connecticut or norway, or driving cross-country in my toyota, or picking a place and just going...i'm not sure. but man, it excites me. >i am an artist! creative expression is how i worship. when i am not creating, i am not processing, i am not breathing out the negative things inside of me. whether it is with music, or words, or more recently, a painting...God created me to create. it is time for me to embrace this aspect of myself, stop comparing it to the gifts God has bestowed on others, and use it for his glory. >i like my life. too often in the past i've gotten down on myself, comparing my life to other peoples, desiring different experiences to add to my testimony than the ones that i've had. i've realized that i've led this life for a reason, and even though there are moments where it feels like its been pointless or it should have gone a different way, God's going to use it somewhere down the line. i absolutely love that there are ways that i've been a blessing to others that i couldn't have been without the experiences i've had. so, as of now, i'm thankful for everything i've been through, and everything i haven't. >i've decided that bitterness sucks. things that i'm bitter about are only hurting me, so it makes no sense to continue to hold onto them. there have been situations where i haven't been treated right, been taken advantage of, or been hurt. but who is that not true of? i'm pretty sure we are all broken people who are all guilty of hurting those around us. once we realize this fact and begin to have a little grace for other people, we will all be a little happier. and finally, i've decided that i'm going to be me. like it, love it, hate it, hate me...do whatever you please. i know that i have God, and i have a few of his people who love me and that's all i really need. so i'm going to stop striving after things i don't have, and probably never will, and hang onto the blessings i do have. and praise God everyday for them. signed, a new creation p.s. don't take this as anything negative, because not one part of it is anything of the sort. this is, in the broad sense, a praise report, because God has done amazing things in my heart, and i felt called to share. so please, be blessed by this. :)

Retrospectives: a turn around

Dearest Holy Father, I feel so disconnected from you. And I know that is all my fault. I have tried to carry my burdens (and the burdens of others, for that matter) all by myself. I should be giving it up to you. I shouldn't be giving in to temptations that I know are wrong and I can feel you telling me no even as I go through with them. I am a lonely, broken person, Lord, and I have yet to figure out how it is possible that you can see me any different. I need to start seeing myself the way you see me and then maybe I will understand life a little better. Right now I am so insecure about myself that I preach vulnerability and honesty and sharing each other's burdens but I haven't been willing to make myself vulnerable and be honest with the people around me about who I really am. I realize how controlled my life is by fear. I live in constant fear of opening myself up to be loved and no one wanting to love me. I am so afraid that people will be overwhelmed by the mess that I am and just give-up on loving me. Is this a form of pride? Judging people prematurely and not giving them a chance because I think I am so much more screwed up than anyone else? I want so much to be loved by people. How am I so closed off to love then? I want to be loved but I wont let anyone in. How does that make any sense? How is that Godly? I am so broken, I can't even comprehend the extent of it. It boggles my mind to sit and think about the mess that I am. All I want is a relationship with you and for you to heal me, Lord. Jesus, I do invite you in. Come to my heart in these shattered places. Come in and be with me in my fear of abandonment, my lack of comfort in my own skin and my heart that is blockaded from love. Come to me, my Savior. I open this door of my heart. I give you permission to heal my wounds. Come to me here. Come for me here. Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said of me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the agreement I made with "I am not worthy of love", "I am overwhelming", "I am ugly", "I am not worth anything". I renounce the agreement I've been making with these messages all these years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of Truth. I reject these lies. Jesus, come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered places within me. Come for the little girl that was wounded. Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do - heal my broken heart and set me free. Jesus, come and rescue me. Set me free from self-hatred, shame, anger, depression, addiction, fear, resentment and self-doubt. Release me from darkness. Bring your vengeance on my enemies. I reject them and ask you to take them to judgement. Set my heart free. Father, I need your love. Come to the core of my heart. Come and bring your love for me. Help me to know you for who you really are - not as I see my earthly father. Reveal yourself to me. Reveal your love for me. Tell me what I mean to you. Come, and father me. Jesus, the time is now. I'm tired of the same circle of healing (momentary) and relapse. I want to know you as my reality. One that lasts through calm and through storm, not just fading in and out with the seasons. Show me how to make you that. Show me who I am. Bring me clarity and peace and healing. Show me where I am wrong about my perceptions and help me to cultivate new ones. Show me your will for this life of mine and shoo me where you want to use me. Show me the steps to take and how to take them.

Retrospectives: A part of me is...

A PART OF ME IS… selfish.annoying.oversensitive.dramatic.empty.shy.awkward.in denial.over it.dead.mean.overbearing.self-destructive.angry.passive-aggressive.emotional.cheap.tired.a whore.ungrateful.lazy.used.broken.lost.uncomfortable.stuck.intense.hateful.spiteful.ignorant.jealous.worried.proud.unforgiven.displeased.sad.suffering.two-faced.a liar.afraid.disgusted.shot down.absurd.fake.transparent.needy.appalling.pissed.worthless.expendable BUT I AM ALSO… beautiful.amazing.irreplaceable.happy.spectacular.loving.lovable.honest.brave.strong.nice.smart.funny.forgiving.unique.encouraging.selfless.alive.energetic.seeking.progressing.fearless.real.proud.forgiven.redeemed.brilliant.exciting.truefaced.a child.pure.innocent.artsy.creative.independent.graceful.a star I AM EACH OF THESE THINGS BUT NO ONE THING DEFINES ME… I AM BRIGHTER THAN THE STARS ON THE DARKEST NIGHT… TAKE ME FOR WHO I AM. I AM ME…

Retrospectives: coming home from summer project

So here I am, finally with a clear enough head and free time to match to go through my notebook and summarize project. I don't think I will ever finish learning from this experience, I can imagine years down the road having a realization and relating it back. So here are some of the lessons I learned:-God doesn't want to change me, he already has, its just up to me to realize how. -I need to make time with God a priority and not expect him to be there when I am not. -I need expressions of love from other people on top of just the words, because for so long I've heard the words from people in my life, but their actions have contradicted the words. -Living a life of humility requires trusting God and others with who you really are. That also means trusting who God says you are, in him. -God develops our character through our relationships with other people. -When i don't get the kind of attention I want from other people, I try to get it through negative means like being bitter and rude. -I've learned to be more aware of myself when I'm interacting with others. -It is important to let people love you on their terms, not just your own. -I am responsible for my own growth, not anyone else. -God loves me just the way I am. -I am not satisfied with or trusting in the love I receive from other people because I don't truly love myself or see myself as God sees me. -God is faithful, even when you don't have faith. -Issues with other people need to be worked out. It does no good to just let them sit unspoken. It will probably be uncomfortable, but God will make it good in the end. -It is important to be aware of myself and my thoughts, and recognize when Satan is attacking. It makes it easier to overcome the down days. -Take a few moments to put yourself in other people's shoes before you jump to judge them.

sharing my story

was intense. i couldn't sleep very well last night in anticipation of today. i woke up this morning with an upset stomach, filled with butterflies. i went to church, and brought my girls cuz they are here for the weekend. they went to the little preschool sunday school and had fun. it was presh to see them there. our pastor has been doing a series on freedom, and today was his message on freedom from fear. it was beautiful. slowly through the message i could feel my stomach calming down and the tension in my shoulders easing. so then comes the moment. in sunday school, i get up and give my testimony. of course i forgot my bottle of water and my chap stick, so i was dry as a bone. that part was awful. but i happy at the amount of support that i received from the others, and how many people came up to me afterwards to give me a hug. it felt real. i pray it persists. then i had to go before the missions board today, to see if they would give me some money for my trip to newport. i think it went pretty well, and they hinted at the fact that i was going to get something, so now its just a matter of how much. i'm glad i'm where i am. tonight though, wasn't as hot as this morning. i went to the House like normal, and like normal i got up from my seat next to my brother to go to the back of the room. its just what i prefer. and my brother tried to talk to me in the car about it, asking if i really want him there, and why i don't ask him to sit somewhere else, and why am i uncomfortable worshipping next to him. it made me mad. i don't like saying that, and i don't like being mad, but i was upset that he didn't understand it. worship is an intensely personal thing, and i'm not entirely comfortable doing it around anyone..its just easier around my christian friends, because they do it too. so i'm a little irked that he is upset that i don't want to sit with him. i wish he understood.

back to good

i have been talking to people who are going to newport with me. it is so exciting. some of them live super close (modesto, fresno) and some of them live super far away (alabama, michigan). these people are already super important to me, and i can't wait to actually meet them, live with them, worship with them and work with them. It is great to be so real with people you have only chatted with for 10 minutes. i've had more real conversations with them than i have had with a lot of the people here in a while. working on my testimony this week has taught me a lot. i finished writing it out, and i shared it with jill, and she was super excited for me, but at the same time she kept saying stuff like "wow". as i was writing it out, it all started to feel so superficial and not nearly as bad as i thought it was. i thought that was great and that it meant i was starting to deal with it and move on, but then i realized that by minimalizing my experiences, I was taking away from God's glory. Jill was amazed at what I'd been through. And I realized, you know what, God has brought me up so far, from horrible stuff...who am I to say that it wasn't that big a deal?! it has just been a beautiful experience. i wish you all could see me. i have changed so much in the past year. shoot, in the past 6 months. i mean..i used to want to die. i used to hurt. i used to spend my time alone. i used to take pleasure in drugs and alcohol. i'm a completely different person. who am i? do you know me anymore? i'm almost completely opposite of who i used to be, but at the same time, there were seeds of myself in who i used to be. so who am i? sometimes it makes me sad to read what people write on here. people are out there living the college life..living it up good. is it fulfilling? i'd really like to know. is it real? i'd really like to know. this weekend will be intense. i have so much to do tomorrow. saturday will be a day of prayer and tea. sunday will be super interesting as well. I am giving my testimony in sunday school, and i have to meet with the missions board at church for an interview to see if they want to give me money. i have to study for a bio test, set up the House, etc. it feels great to be alive and real.

Please Read.

Dearest LJ friends, I am posting this as a serious post. Please read it through and consider what I am asking. I have been given a wonderful opportunity and I want you all to have the chance to experience it with me. This summer, I have an unbelievable opportunity to take part in a summer missions project sponsored by Campus Crusade for Christ. I will be going with approximately 60 other students to Newport Beach, CA. A summer spent on a project like this can be invaluable. Few other environments can top this in developing spiritual leadership and ministry skills to equip me for campus outreach. Evangelistic opportunities abound as vacationers and college students flood areas like these in the summer. Concentrated personal and mass evangelism will equip me to share my faith as a way of life. My life will take on vitality from the application of my time alone in God’s word. Small group Bible studies will further strengthen my discipleship abilities. I’ll gain a new appreciation for teamwork as strong relationships are built with other Christians on the project. As you can see, the schedule is demanding. My faith will be stretched as I do things I’ve never done before. In order to make this all possible, I need to develop a team of ministry partners…a group of people like you who would give to make my trip possible. I need a total of $2400 by May 9th which covers project costs including: rent & utilities, materials, socials, outreaches, set-up costs, books, etc. Will you prayerfully consider joining my team by giving a gift of $100, $200, $300 or more? In order to know how close I am to reaching my goal, I will call you soon to see what you have decided and to answer any questions you might have. Also, you should feel free to call me if you have any questions as well, my phone number is 916-684-4311. Thank you for considering joining my team to help reach people for Christ at Newport this summer. Carly Delavan (ps. if you are interested, feel free to reply to this post and I will give you more information on this process. also, all donations are tax deductible)