back to good

i have been talking to people who are going to newport with me. it is so exciting. some of them live super close (modesto, fresno) and some of them live super far away (alabama, michigan). these people are already super important to me, and i can't wait to actually meet them, live with them, worship with them and work with them. It is great to be so real with people you have only chatted with for 10 minutes. i've had more real conversations with them than i have had with a lot of the people here in a while. working on my testimony this week has taught me a lot. i finished writing it out, and i shared it with jill, and she was super excited for me, but at the same time she kept saying stuff like "wow". as i was writing it out, it all started to feel so superficial and not nearly as bad as i thought it was. i thought that was great and that it meant i was starting to deal with it and move on, but then i realized that by minimalizing my experiences, I was taking away from God's glory. Jill was amazed at what I'd been through. And I realized, you know what, God has brought me up so far, from horrible stuff...who am I to say that it wasn't that big a deal?! it has just been a beautiful experience. i wish you all could see me. i have changed so much in the past year. shoot, in the past 6 months. i mean..i used to want to die. i used to hurt. i used to spend my time alone. i used to take pleasure in drugs and alcohol. i'm a completely different person. who am i? do you know me anymore? i'm almost completely opposite of who i used to be, but at the same time, there were seeds of myself in who i used to be. so who am i? sometimes it makes me sad to read what people write on here. people are out there living the college life..living it up good. is it fulfilling? i'd really like to know. is it real? i'd really like to know. this weekend will be intense. i have so much to do tomorrow. saturday will be a day of prayer and tea. sunday will be super interesting as well. I am giving my testimony in sunday school, and i have to meet with the missions board at church for an interview to see if they want to give me money. i have to study for a bio test, set up the House, etc. it feels great to be alive and real.