defined

after regurgitating and dealing with some of my past hurts in the last month and a half, i'm on my way back to where i thought i was before then. i feel more confident this time around, because for the first time through a struggle, i did not lose sight of my reason for continuing through the muck. normally i lose hope and faith in both myself and God. but this time around, i kept pursuing his will, and did not surrender to myself and satan. i believe i have come out stronger, and perhaps more ready to embark on the next journey of realizing exactly who God says i am in his word, as well as the uniqueness he has bestowed upon me and my heart. not only that, but learning to love myself because of it. don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely sure that i will have my moments of insecurity. mainly because i'm still in the "starry-eyed" phase where i think everything is going to work out and be a breeze from here, but i still struggle with my insecurity. i still wonder whether or not you really mean it when you say you love me. the only difference is, now...i don't need you to remind me. i can remind myself of all that you have done for me and the blessing and encouragement that your friendship has been. through this particular time period last year, God blessed me by giving me a new sense of awareness about myself and how i react and think in different situations. this year, God has blessed me with clarity in situations which have brought me to these reactions and avenues of thought. do you know what this means? this means that God is real, and it is true that he is continuously helping us strive for sanctification and pointing us in the direction of his glory. last year, i was struggling a lot with being undefined. having no clear picture of who i am. i feel like i still don't have a good idea, but God is giving me the eyes to see things clearer. i'm starting to make out definition in my life. and though one part of me may desire to have the perfect family with 2.5 kids where the husband works all day and comes home to a well-cooked meal in our suburban home with a white picket fence, and another part of me may desire the adventurous life of traveling the world doing big things for small people in the name of Christ with or without a husband, i can be okay with that. i don't have to be defined by my hypothetical future. why worry about tomorrow when today is enough trouble of its own. all this said and done, here's what i've decided. >i am more valuable than what i make myself out to be. i'm tired of working to develop friendships that aren't being reciprocated. i can offer you my love all i want, but if you never take it then it is going to waste. i am going to save the love i have to give for someone who will accept it and give it back to me. >as people get older and discover more about themselves, they start to narrow down the people they interact with on a regular basis. i think i have come to a point where i don't need to have a million people to call when i'm bored. i am satisfied with having the few close friends that i do. i don't desire to hang out and do something awesome and random everyday just to keep my life exciting. i am perfectly content sitting at home watching a movie and goofing off in front of a camera. >though this may completely contradict what i just said, i want an adventure. i want to take a trip, meet new people, discover more about God. whether that means dts in connecticut or norway, or driving cross-country in my toyota, or picking a place and just going...i'm not sure. but man, it excites me. >i am an artist! creative expression is how i worship. when i am not creating, i am not processing, i am not breathing out the negative things inside of me. whether it is with music, or words, or more recently, a painting...God created me to create. it is time for me to embrace this aspect of myself, stop comparing it to the gifts God has bestowed on others, and use it for his glory. >i like my life. too often in the past i've gotten down on myself, comparing my life to other peoples, desiring different experiences to add to my testimony than the ones that i've had. i've realized that i've led this life for a reason, and even though there are moments where it feels like its been pointless or it should have gone a different way, God's going to use it somewhere down the line. i absolutely love that there are ways that i've been a blessing to others that i couldn't have been without the experiences i've had. so, as of now, i'm thankful for everything i've been through, and everything i haven't. >i've decided that bitterness sucks. things that i'm bitter about are only hurting me, so it makes no sense to continue to hold onto them. there have been situations where i haven't been treated right, been taken advantage of, or been hurt. but who is that not true of? i'm pretty sure we are all broken people who are all guilty of hurting those around us. once we realize this fact and begin to have a little grace for other people, we will all be a little happier. and finally, i've decided that i'm going to be me. like it, love it, hate it, hate me...do whatever you please. i know that i have God, and i have a few of his people who love me and that's all i really need. so i'm going to stop striving after things i don't have, and probably never will, and hang onto the blessings i do have. and praise God everyday for them. signed, a new creation p.s. don't take this as anything negative, because not one part of it is anything of the sort. this is, in the broad sense, a praise report, because God has done amazing things in my heart, and i felt called to share. so please, be blessed by this. :)