the big questions

i started my journey into lamentations this week. first, i read some background on the book, and then i read through the book in one go, making some initial observations. as i begin this journey, i want to start by thinking about what i want to get out of this. what are some of the big questions that i want answers to? what questions came up in my first reading of the book? etc. so, here are some questions: - what is lament? - why is lament important? - what does the book of lamentations (and lament itself) mean for being a follower of Christ? - what does this book teach me about the character of God? - what does this book teach me about how i relate to God? - what is the balance between lament and hope? is there any balance? - what is the role of judgment and restoration in the life of the chosen? - what does lamentations teach Christians about Jesus?   here we go.

my story...so far (warning: this is a level -1)

lately i've been thinking a lot about who i am, how i got here, who God is, and what he's done in my life. and i've been struck with the desire to write it down. so i'll start from the beginning. this is all of it. the dark and the light. the suffering and the hope. this is me. i was born in sacramento, ca. i have a little brother who is just 2.5 years younger than me. i was a happy kid, loved playing with my cousins and being with my family, liked putting on plays and playing music and sports with my dad. when i was four, my parents divorced. after that, my overall demeanor changed. i became a shy, introverted, insecure kid who didn't like to have the attention on me. it was a complete 180. in a lot of ways i'm still dealing with the effects of it. i'm going to skip ahead a lot now. mostly because childhood wasn't the most fun for me, and i don't remember a whole lot of it. here are the basics: i loved school and learning. i was even lucky enough to take an assessment in 2nd grade that resulted in me skipping 3rd. i was blessed to have a very close family. i got to spend a lot of time with my grandparents on both sides, with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. in junior high, i had a bout with anorexia that was brought on more out of ambivalence than out of a desire to be thin. the most influential piece of the puzzle of my childhood involves my mom. when i was about 7 years old, she decided to go back to school. she would spend two evenings a week in classes. then, she started seeing this guy. in general he was a nice guy, but there were some things that made their imprint on my heart. namely, he occupied my mom for even more time (she was already going to school two nights a week). i can remember weekends when my mom would take my brother and i to his house, and they would lock themselves in the bedroom and not come out at all. also, my brother and i would be dragged along on adult camping trips where we were the only children. i didn't learn until later exactly how much anger this built up in my heart. that was the essence of my childhood, and the story picks back up at the tender age of 13. my mom had met a new guy, this time on the internet. and they were married within 3 months of meeting. with him, came his 15 year old son. that same fall, i started high school. so with all that, and the residual anger from my mom's last relationship, you can bet that i was the picture of teen angst. my new stepbrother and i bonded over our mutual hatred of the situation we had been forced into. i even protested by not going to their wedding. that year, my freshman year of high school, i decided to try out for the softball team. i enjoyed it so much. it provided me with much needed camaraderie and a place where i belonged. and i was out of the house. mid-way through our season, one of my teammates committed suicide. she was also in one of my classes, and this being my first experience with death, it hit me hard. even though we weren't close friends, i felt a huge sense of guilt. i can remember a day a couple weeks before it happened where she came up to me in class and asked me how i was. i remember seeing pain in her face, but probing no further. not to mention, i had recently taken over her position as shortstop on our softball team, and had to continue playing it after she died. i even got up and spoke at her funeral. i count this as one of the top 5 most influential periods of my life, and while it was one of the most difficult things i've experienced, i think (and you'll see why) that dealing with this helped to save my life. after that, high school progressed. sophomore year brought new friends, my first real exposure to and interest in God (which was fueled by the intensity of the death of a friend), and the moving out of my stepbrother (who had become my closest friend). junior year is where things took a turn. i was overcome by the anger and confusion inside me. i didn't know how to process it, and i became depressed. i started engaging in self-injury on a daily basis, and nearly failed a lot of my classes. i started drinking and smoking weed, and taking pain killers. i stayed out until all hours of the night and at times became an insomniac. this behavior continued well into college, though it varied in severity. there were times when i wanted to give up, but having been on the left behind side of a suicide before, i knew what it did to other people, and i could never do that to my family and friends. senior year also brought my next encounters with death. on thanksgiving, my grandparents told me that my grandma on my dad's side had liver cancer, and it was only a matter of time. in the spring, very suddenly and unexpectedly, my grandpa on my mom's side passed away. he had been swimming at our local club and had a heart attack. i learned a lot in the weeks to follow. i learned that i can do anything i set my mind to. not only was my family grieving, but i (at the age of 16) was left to care for my nieces who were 2 and 3 while my parents dealt with things. then, not 2 months later, my grandpa on my dad's side died suddenly of a heart attack. at that point, i was almost numb to this kind of thing. it was difficult seeing my grandma left alone, but that side of the family handled it a lot differently. there was a lot of strength, hope, and celebration of life that came out of it. graduating from high school was anti-climactic for me. i was glad to be gone from that environment, but i didn't get to go far. because of skipping a grade in elementary school, i was only 16 when i graduated and my dad wouldn't let me go away to college. so i was stuck going to the local university, and resented it. i was still stuck with the same people and situations that had held me back in high school. i went to a college where i didn't connect to anything. i was fed up with my existence. i was surrounded by people who treated each other like shit (there's no other word for it). since high school this group of people was awful. we were the kids who had been burned by everyone else, but instead of banding together to change it, we were 10 times worse to each other. i was fed up. spring break of my freshman year of college, i went down to LA to visit one of my best friends at her school. i got to see what her experiences were. i got to be a part of the relationships that she'd developed. i got to see what its like to be in happy healthy relationships. when i got home from that trip, i asked her why her life was so much different and better than mine. she told me that it was jesus. she had gotten involved with campus crusade for christ that year, and sent me the 4 spiritual laws. after reading them over, and thinking (now i'd call it praying), i decided that these laws were true. i was sinful, and i what was missing from my life was God. for about 6 months, no one but my friend knew about this change in my life. my family was not christian, in fact my mom was very anti-church. i had even gone through a period of vehemently denying the existence of God. my friend got me my first bible for my 18th birthday. and i reconnected with a friend from high school who i knew went to church, and she invited me to come to her young adult group. and that was my first real experience with church. it was at this church that i first met my current best friend. that fall, i also said goodbye to my grandma who had liver cancer. she had made it longer than anyone had expected, and as difficult as it was to say goodbye, it was good to see her relieved of her suffering (for those of you who know a little bit about liver cancer, its pretty intense and painful). during my sophomore year of college, my friend invited me to a conference in southern california put on my campus crusade for christ. it was there that i really started to learn about jesus. i learned a bit of theology that helped me to understand exactly what i had signed up for when i gave my life to christ. i was blessed to hear from amazing speakers like frances chan and donald miller. and i learned that there was a campus crusade at my school. at this conference, they asked me to be involved, and even lead the movement on my campus. being the naive 1 year old christian that i was, i signed up. leading a movement on my campus involved all of the administrative stuff with the school, as well as organizing/coordinating/facilitating meetings and bible studies. i literally jumped in head first into ministry. we also got training and experience in sharing our faith on campus. they encouraged me to go on a summer project. i applied and was accepted to newport beach summer project 2005. summer project was a life-changing experience for me. for the first time in my life i got to see what the body of christ really looks like. i saw a group of people coming together for a common goal, uplifting and encouraging each other, facing the tough stuff together, and seeking God together. through discipleship and my small group that summer, i started to learn that i had decided somewhere along the line that i was unlovable, and that wasn't okay, because God wanted to love me if i would let him. little did i know at the time what i was in for in learning how to let God love me, or how long of a process it was going to be. coming home after being in that environment was supremely difficult for me. i had a few new friendships that were developing, including one with my best friend. i went straight back to school, and to leading crusade on my campus. and i had to decide on a major. and i was still dealing with feeling unlovable. in october, it all came to a head. i dropped out of school and out of sheer panic took a roadtrip to santa barbara to see my discipler from summer project. the next few weeks started to spiral out of control. i had stopped cutting after doing it for 3 years when i became a christian. i resumed this practice. my friendship with my new best friend was crumbling. we were both experiencing some really intense things that we couldn't go through together, but i didn't understand that at the time. i was having a major life crisis, i was depressed, i was cutting, and i was unlovable. during this time, i was smart enough to go to counseling. i had a great counselor who gave me a lot of good insights, and some really powerful tools for coping. but still, i hit rock bottom. i had to realize that i was angry. i had to deal with that. i had to learn that God is not a band aid. wounds are there until you deal with them and let God heal them, and they will be there whether you acknowledge them or not. by the grace of God and with the support of some very key people in my life, i made it through that storm. i started to learn how to love myself. because i couldn't let God love me if i didn't first love myself. at this point, i had a full time job, and decided that it was time for me to move out. i got my first apartment with a friend. this was short-lived and we soon parted ways. my best friend and i made the mutual choice to invest in our friendship, and started to be intentional with that. and i found a new church that i enjoyed, and decided to intern there. i moved into an apartment with the other intern, started classes at bible school, and embarked on my next adventure. it was short-lived, however, and i quickly learned that it wasn't the place for me, and they weren't the people to help me deal with the things that i still hadn't dealt with. i had another small breakdown where i moved out of the intern apartment, and left the church. i asked my family if i could go home, but was turned away. it was at this time that my best friend and her family offered their home to me. i had no intention of saying yes, but i humbled myself to receive the blessing they were offering, and it turned out to be the right choice. they were incredibly understanding of what i was going through, and provided an environment for me to heal. during this time i suffered from anxiety and a crisis of identity. the previous year i had been learning to love myself and let God love me. now it was time to learn who exactly it was that needed this love. i had to learn how to trust God in who he is and who he promises i am. this storm i came out of with a tattoo on my collarbone. it is the hebrew word for peace: "shalom". but its not just peace. shalom is a fullness, wholeness, completeness in the presence of God. not only did i overcome my anxiety over a lack of control, but i also found myself in the presence of God. it was also during this time that God gave me a vision, he made some promises. he showed me a picture of the kind of community in the body of christ that he wanted me to be a part of. he showed me that i wasn't going to find it where i was at. he gave me a glimpse of the bigger things that he was calling me to. he started to stir things in my heart. over the next year, i learned a lot more about myself. these were more of the little details, though. i had a few tough experiences, and was blessed to have a best friend who taught me a lot. our friendship has been a witness to God's perfect timing, as well as his faithfulness in challenging me to something bigger and better. we decided that we needed to get out of the podunk town we were from, and to move to seattle. so we packed up our things and headed out. i could go into a ton of detail about all that i've learned from being up here, but most of that you'll find in older blog posts. ;) the gist of it is that i've reached the culmination of part of God's vision for me. i've found that community he promised me 3 years ago. God took me to the other side of the world and he showed me where my heart is and where my focus should be. he's calling me to even more than this. in being separated from my old life, i've found healing. namely in my relationship with my mom. we have started to get to know each other as humans, and not as this forced mother/daughter image we have for each other. she has come to know God too, and i'm incredibly proud of the person i'm learning she is. God has been immeasurably faithful to me in my life, and through it all i have faith in him. most of the time i don't understand what's going on around me, but he does. and he's done all of this in my weakness, brokenness and humility. i have a lot of hope for the future and what i know God can do. i have joy in knowing that i have sought after him, and that i'm right where he wants me at this very moment. and i have joy in the relationships he's placed around me. if you've known me for a long time, you probably know that i'm a completely different person in a lot of ways than i was when i was a kid, or 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago. i have been challenged by God, and challenged myself, and to his glory, i've changed. if you actually made it through my story, thank you. you are a true friend, and a blessing to me. i hope that you will trust me enough to share your story too, because i want to hear it. in fact, call me, or facebook me...right now. let's go to coffee, or have a friendship night.

empty

each moment that passes me
on this desolate road
is an eternity in itself


i lay my head down to sleep
to dream
and sleep

to sleep
for years
but only a day has passed


and time becomes an oxymoron




today
for a day


for a moment in time


i feign to feel

that my words
that my love
that my dream
is real



and you
and your

irrevocable

faith
love
grace
mercy
truth

carry me


to the end

wherever that may be

defined

after regurgitating and dealing with some of my past hurts in the last month and a half, i'm on my way back to where i thought i was before then. i feel more confident this time around, because for the first time through a struggle, i did not lose sight of my reason for continuing through the muck. normally i lose hope and faith in both myself and God. but this time around, i kept pursuing his will, and did not surrender to myself and satan. i believe i have come out stronger, and perhaps more ready to embark on the next journey of realizing exactly who God says i am in his word, as well as the uniqueness he has bestowed upon me and my heart. not only that, but learning to love myself because of it. don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely sure that i will have my moments of insecurity. mainly because i'm still in the "starry-eyed" phase where i think everything is going to work out and be a breeze from here, but i still struggle with my insecurity. i still wonder whether or not you really mean it when you say you love me. the only difference is, now...i don't need you to remind me. i can remind myself of all that you have done for me and the blessing and encouragement that your friendship has been. through this particular time period last year, God blessed me by giving me a new sense of awareness about myself and how i react and think in different situations. this year, God has blessed me with clarity in situations which have brought me to these reactions and avenues of thought. do you know what this means? this means that God is real, and it is true that he is continuously helping us strive for sanctification and pointing us in the direction of his glory. last year, i was struggling a lot with being undefined. having no clear picture of who i am. i feel like i still don't have a good idea, but God is giving me the eyes to see things clearer. i'm starting to make out definition in my life. and though one part of me may desire to have the perfect family with 2.5 kids where the husband works all day and comes home to a well-cooked meal in our suburban home with a white picket fence, and another part of me may desire the adventurous life of traveling the world doing big things for small people in the name of Christ with or without a husband, i can be okay with that. i don't have to be defined by my hypothetical future. why worry about tomorrow when today is enough trouble of its own. all this said and done, here's what i've decided. >i am more valuable than what i make myself out to be. i'm tired of working to develop friendships that aren't being reciprocated. i can offer you my love all i want, but if you never take it then it is going to waste. i am going to save the love i have to give for someone who will accept it and give it back to me. >as people get older and discover more about themselves, they start to narrow down the people they interact with on a regular basis. i think i have come to a point where i don't need to have a million people to call when i'm bored. i am satisfied with having the few close friends that i do. i don't desire to hang out and do something awesome and random everyday just to keep my life exciting. i am perfectly content sitting at home watching a movie and goofing off in front of a camera. >though this may completely contradict what i just said, i want an adventure. i want to take a trip, meet new people, discover more about God. whether that means dts in connecticut or norway, or driving cross-country in my toyota, or picking a place and just going...i'm not sure. but man, it excites me. >i am an artist! creative expression is how i worship. when i am not creating, i am not processing, i am not breathing out the negative things inside of me. whether it is with music, or words, or more recently, a painting...God created me to create. it is time for me to embrace this aspect of myself, stop comparing it to the gifts God has bestowed on others, and use it for his glory. >i like my life. too often in the past i've gotten down on myself, comparing my life to other peoples, desiring different experiences to add to my testimony than the ones that i've had. i've realized that i've led this life for a reason, and even though there are moments where it feels like its been pointless or it should have gone a different way, God's going to use it somewhere down the line. i absolutely love that there are ways that i've been a blessing to others that i couldn't have been without the experiences i've had. so, as of now, i'm thankful for everything i've been through, and everything i haven't. >i've decided that bitterness sucks. things that i'm bitter about are only hurting me, so it makes no sense to continue to hold onto them. there have been situations where i haven't been treated right, been taken advantage of, or been hurt. but who is that not true of? i'm pretty sure we are all broken people who are all guilty of hurting those around us. once we realize this fact and begin to have a little grace for other people, we will all be a little happier. and finally, i've decided that i'm going to be me. like it, love it, hate it, hate me...do whatever you please. i know that i have God, and i have a few of his people who love me and that's all i really need. so i'm going to stop striving after things i don't have, and probably never will, and hang onto the blessings i do have. and praise God everyday for them. signed, a new creation p.s. don't take this as anything negative, because not one part of it is anything of the sort. this is, in the broad sense, a praise report, because God has done amazing things in my heart, and i felt called to share. so please, be blessed by this. :)

Retrospectives: Love is a Revolution

there are lines on my arms that spell "SINNER"a giant game of fill in the blanks where the answers are GRACE TRUTH and LOVE the only things I will give more of to you than I will to myself when you feel unworthy when you feel unloved this is his grace when you feel alone whenever you fall this is his love this is His revolution

Retrospectives: good gracious

this is us dancingover streaks of light painted on wet asphalt while tears from heaven drench our hoods and reflections of raging storms eye us from puddles below while we dance we are above it all we are higher than the puddles that others so easily drown in we are protected from downpours that always surround us hardcore dancing in the rain this is the way we love

Retrospectives: Learned Supernova

petals from white rosesfall on open graves as shallow hearts mourn the death of this bright star supernovas fade faster than you think when we underestimate the glow that it leaves in your life radiates beyond time and even when you shut it out it still will light your way and all that you've learned from this bright shining star will stay locked in your heart and you can call it back up when you're ready to grow though you've run so far petals from white roses fall on open graves as shallow hearts mourn the death of this bright star supernovas fade faster than you think when we underestimate