so life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
here are some of my thoughts on a pertinent subject for this period in our lives. this has been an ongoing conversation around me for some time now, and i think it might be time to share how i really feel. not that i haven't been honest up til this point, but there is more that i've held back in an effort to not hurt people's feelings. but i think this is truth. and it needs to be said. we are at the age where relationships are a huge focal point of our lives. that's great. people are worth our investment. here's where i get concerned. there has been a lot of impatience about god bringing that man or woman of people's dreams, to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, happily ever after. let me first just say that i am not discounting this desire. it is one that i share. i definitely desire to meet a man who shares my heart for jesus, my passion for missions, and all those wonderful things and we can get married and run off and have adventures together. but here's where my thoughts start to differ a bit. it makes me sad when people are not content with where god has them at the present time. if there's one thing i've learned on this journey with jesus, its that his plans are way better than mine. the greatest thing i could possibly imagine for my life is miniscule compared to what he has in store. he will blow my mind, and rock my world...if i let him. i know people get tired of hearing others tell them that "god has a plan for their lives", "you just have to be patient", "god will give you the desires of your heart" or "god is just getting you ready"...but people say that stuff BECAUSE ITS TRUE!!! these are all statements of trust. the most basic foundational thing of a relationship with jesus is: TRUST trust that god knows you better than you know yourself, and that he's got your back. it's simple. we humans make it so difficult when it doesn't have to be. furthermore, i think the most important thing we can do in preparation for whatever god has in store for us is to search our own hearts, and seek to be like jesus. if you are not seeking, growing, learning, then you're not ready! i desire to be the best woman i can be for this man when he crosses my path, and i sure hope that he's growing into the best possible man he can be for me. another thing that i think is key to a healthy mindset about this is knowing god and yourself enough to be okay if there isn't a marriage on your horizon. jesus tells us there is no marriage in heaven (i say that not to disregard marriage on earth, because i think it's good, right, and true as well). in heaven we wont need to worry about who's married to whom. we will have jesus. and the same is true now. we have jesus. the rest of it matters an insignificant amount in comparison. matthew 22:29-30 Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." in 1 corinthians 7, paul talks about marriage and how when you are unmarried, you are free to be fully devoted to god. i think that he says this to let us know that being single is a blessing too. marriage is amazing, and knowing another person in such an intimate way was designed by god to give us a taste of the relationship between the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and a vision of what heaven will be like. BUT, when we are single, we are free to fully pursue his calling in our lives, his will on earth, and opportunities that we might not be given if we were committed to someone else. that is a blessing! lastly, jesus says in matthew 6:33 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." i am not sharing all these thoughts to make you feel bad about where you are, or to tell you you're wrong. not in the slightest. i merely hope that this will serve as a reminder that god is good, and we should seek him first. he is the one to whom all glory is given, and i for one want his direction in my life. so seek him, and what he has for you, now, today, in this moment. ask him to show you how you can grow, change, be more like jesus. he wont let you down.
Retrospectives: 5 days until Seattle, musings on a boy
I'm starting completely over in a new place and that is so scary. But for as scared as I am, I'm so excited to define the terms of my life and decide who I let in. I have found comfort in the challenge that lies ahead of me and I pray that I take advantage of and learn from every new opportunity that comes my way. There is the matter of this boy who has somehow entered my life. I have no idea where he is at or what he is thinking. He has made many comments about the future and alluding to a relationship between us but he has not said anything flat out. He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, but he's held my hand… I have been thinking a lot about how I feel about this possibility, given the fact that he lives in LA, I'm going to be living in Seattle and I have never been in any kind of relationship, let alone a long distance one. But here's what I've come up with. I've decided that I like him. That has happened before, no big deal, but here's the difference: there have been guys that I've wanted to get to know but with this one, not only do I want to know him, I want him to know me. I actually had that conscious thought. I am not the most willing person to share myself with others. So I feel like this is a big deal for me, and that makes it something I want to pursue. however, given that he hasn't made his intentions clear, I'm hesitant to hand him my heart until I know he wants it and is ready to receive it. So I guess, to put a visual metaphor on the situation, I have a reserved sign there for him. 3.29.10 Thoughts now: I read what I wrote about moving to Seattle, and taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I think I've done a pretty good job of this so far. I can't say I've done well with every opportunity, but I have done a lot of new things, been challenged by a lot, and come out on the other side. So I count this a success. As for the boy, clearly that didn't work out. I was upset for a while afterward, because the last time I spoke to him, we had a conversation in which we agreed that its incredibly difficult to have a long distance relationship, but that we both wanted to continue to get to know each other. Then, nothing. No more calls, no messages, nothing. I have yet to this day to have closure on that. I think for the most part, I'm over it, it doesn't affect me, etc. However, I think that I'm still pretty hesitant to share who I really am with people. Situations like this make it hard for me to be vulnerable and feel safe. Mostly with gentleman-folk. I hope that I'm making progress in this department, but it takes time and strategically placed people.
last night i dreamt...
that somebody loved me. "Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence."
sad
my grandma's house is all cleaned out. only major furniture left. its really sad that all their stuff is gone, and that my dad and my aunt are fighting. i feel so helpless. my dad's being just sad. he's seeing a berevement councelor, so hopefully that helps him. i want him to be happy. but i know i am not the person who can do that. i want to hang out with loren again. i need to meet new people. i guess loren and i are hanging out tomorrow, going to a show or something. the show is kinda bootsie though, maybe we will do something else. after our conversation the other day, i think i understand him a lot better. why he did some of the things he did, etc. i think it will be good for me to have a friendship with him. there's really no more attraction there, and i'm happy to say it. i'm a different person, he's a different person, it just might be the right time for friendship. here's hoping. i can't wait for school to start. i miss the bustle.
music in the park
i'm off to play guitar in the park with loren. EDIT: 2:14 AM had an interesting time. and i know what you all are thinking, and i really don't care. i like to think i've moved on. i intend to benefit from his friendship, and only that. perhaps learn some picking techniques. i dunno what i'm gonna do tomorrow. we'll see. i want to spend some money i don't have. anyone interested?
hopelessly...i love you endlessly.
umm tonight: an unexpected call from the past. one i was not prepared to take, nor prepared to deal with. not that there's really all that much to deal with. but, her return spawns so much. she'll expect things to return to what they were before she left. but the truth is, our relationship was falling apart before she moved. i feel like i need to cut these ties. the negative relationships of my past that were once what kept me sane...have changed into these things that define who i was. i don't want to be identified with that person anymore. so i am moving on.. faith: its something i haven't talked about in a couple weeks. i am still learning, tweaking, etc. i was watching dogma today, and rufus made hella sense. he said he doesn't like beliefs because they can't be changed easily. people should stick with ideas. i think that's hella true. because there are so many things to believe out there, all you can really do is have an idea, because you never know when things might change, and how you will feel later on. james: i like him. but do i really? or is it just me being tired of alone? i wish i knew. and who knows..maybe when i meet him, i will feel differently. i wish i could pray about these things. that's a step i haven't taken yet. its a big step, for someone to talk to an entity that for so long, they didn't believe was there. i don't know what else to say. i'm really tired. i like stating myself out here in lj-land for all to see. it makes me feel so vulnerable, but yet liberated because its just that much less that i'm carrying secretly inside. i hope you understand.