retrospectives: plans for the future

none of this actually happened... <BR><BR> i'm going backpacking through europe when i graduate college. summer of '07. if you are interested, start saving up, because i am definately going. i think i'm going to hit athens, paris, prague, rome, copenhagen, amsterdam and london. or some combination of the above. it will be expensive but well worth it. by then i will have my bachelor's in creative writing, and i will be 21 and i will go to europe, have the ultimate experience, write my award winning novel, and then i will be able to come back to california, settle down in long beach and prepare to get my CFA in creative writing, meet the beautiful christian boy i will end up marrying and start a family. it will be perfect. lets just hope by then i swipe my VCard so that i can whore myself around europe for train fare. haha WOOT. my dad said something to me the other day. it really kinda stuck. he said i'm right in the middle. i'm not a kid anymore, but i'm really not an adult yet. i'm not out in the real world, being my own person at all. i can't wait for that. as much as that scares me, it is the scariest things in life that end up being the most worth it. so with that said...from now on, my life is being lived in preparation for the future. no more looking back, no more dwelling, no more focusing on the past. from this point forward, it is all about who i'm going to be and how i'm going to live. here's to the beginning, because it hasn't really started yet. loading pictures from my camera to my comp, i stumbled upon a picture of my cousin. she is about to turn 2. it is the most precious picture i've ever seen. i'm so lucky that she is a part of my family. everything happens for a reason. she's in this family for a reason. someone put her here, in this family, for a reason. for that i'm thankful. there is a reason that my dad and i had a falling out when we did. so that i could be there for him now, when he needs it the most. there is a reason i didn't go away to college right away. so that i could find out what i wanted to do and be sure of myself. there is a reason i'm friends with the people i am friends with now, and not friends with those i am not friends with. i'm so thankful i have this outlook right now. i feel so alive. i wish i could share with you all.

retrospectives: seeing yourself

I was just editing a bunch of posts, and as I read this I remembered that this is merely 1-2 weeks before I gave my life to Jesus...interesting, to say the least. <BR><BR><BR> its really scarry seeing yourself. whether it is a reflection of yourself in someone you know, or even someone you don't; or if you are forced to see yourself for who you are. and i think sometimes, that no one really likes who they are. no one is completely happy. but for me...it seems like its never. there are a million things about myself i would change in a second. i'm not happy with where i am right now, i'm not happy with myself, my attitude, my anything...including my physical appearance. and then i think...will i ever be satisfied with myself? and if not, then what is the point of anything? in the end all that matters is you, and only you can make yourself happy. so if i can't make myself happy, what else is there? and i'm sick and tired of covering up. but on the other hand, i just want to make a bigger dent. i wish i could "scream and scream, yet not make a sound". so that i could have that feeling of ecstacy that comes with the release, without having to worry about anyone hearing. all this shit is so symbolic. i mean...i'm always hiding. no one knows who i really am...i mean i have a different persona for everyone. each and everyone of you knows a little about me another doesn't. or knows a different side. and you all still know a different me than my family knows. there are so many things that i think about...and so many things that i hide. i'm tired of talking about that. i just got an IM. it made me smile. i don't know where this boy came from, or all that much about him, or where this is gonna go, but i'm glad that he said hello. he left. he just IM'ed me to say hi. its nice to get those, just to say hi. day brighteners. i miss katie...i'm glad i'll see her in a week. i can't wait. i hope next week brings me out of this funk.