retrospectives: seeing yourself

I was just editing a bunch of posts, and as I read this I remembered that this is merely 1-2 weeks before I gave my life to Jesus...interesting, to say the least. <BR><BR><BR> its really scarry seeing yourself. whether it is a reflection of yourself in someone you know, or even someone you don't; or if you are forced to see yourself for who you are. and i think sometimes, that no one really likes who they are. no one is completely happy. but for me...it seems like its never. there are a million things about myself i would change in a second. i'm not happy with where i am right now, i'm not happy with myself, my attitude, my anything...including my physical appearance. and then i think...will i ever be satisfied with myself? and if not, then what is the point of anything? in the end all that matters is you, and only you can make yourself happy. so if i can't make myself happy, what else is there? and i'm sick and tired of covering up. but on the other hand, i just want to make a bigger dent. i wish i could "scream and scream, yet not make a sound". so that i could have that feeling of ecstacy that comes with the release, without having to worry about anyone hearing. all this shit is so symbolic. i mean...i'm always hiding. no one knows who i really am...i mean i have a different persona for everyone. each and everyone of you knows a little about me another doesn't. or knows a different side. and you all still know a different me than my family knows. there are so many things that i think about...and so many things that i hide. i'm tired of talking about that. i just got an IM. it made me smile. i don't know where this boy came from, or all that much about him, or where this is gonna go, but i'm glad that he said hello. he left. he just IM'ed me to say hi. its nice to get those, just to say hi. day brighteners. i miss katie...i'm glad i'll see her in a week. i can't wait. i hope next week brings me out of this funk.