good grief

i'm only 2 days out of winter quarter, and already there is a theology sized vacuum in my life. so here are some musings to hold me over. in studying the prophets this quarter i started to notice something. grief. lament. i also noticed that i don't see these things around me. i think grief is something we don't do very well, both as the Church and as Americans. we are taught to be strong, keep our cool, push forward. but there is a time for grief, and grief is necessary for healing. grief is also more than just mourning the loss of a loved one, or something you have to endure when someone dies. grief is about sadness, feeling the things that come along with major life circumstances. grief is what you experience as a friendship changes, with the loss or change of a job, you even experience grief as you make positive changes like getting married. grief is about change. when things change, we grieve. we grieve what is different, even if what is new is good. and especially if what has changed was good. grief is necessary. it should be understood and experienced. without it, we can't have hope. if we are constantly holding on to something that has changed, we cannot have a true hope for the future. it is grief and hope that we experience in the cross. we grieve the loss of our Savior, and only when we do that can we find hope in His resurrection. grief for loss, hope for resurrection. good grief.

justice and mercy

at Convergence, the young adult group at my church, we have just finished up a series on Romans 12: In View of God's Mercy. it just so happens that in conjunction with this series i have been studying justice in school, and i have a few thoughts about the two. when one thinks of justice and mercy, they seem to be two contradictory things. you can bring justice to someone by punishing an offensive action, or you can show mercy to someone by sparing from punishment or forgiving an offensive action. an example of this would be court judges. a judge is commonly known for either his justice or his mercy. similarly, when we think of social justice in the form of the trend that has swept the church in the past decade or two we think of bringing justice to evildoers that have infringed on human rights around the world (freeing sex slaves and punishing brothel owners in southeast asia, or trying corrupt leaders for war crimes or genocide in war-torn african countries). biblically, i think the two are not only complimentary, but inextricable. pursuing social justice is good, but i believe the bible calls us to move beyond social justice to social mercy as well. it is only when justice and mercy are intertwined do we come close to presenting the gospel. there are several instances in the bible where God begins to tell us of the link between justice and mercy: Zechariah 7:9, Micah 6:8 and Matthew 23:23 to name a few. if the gospel stopped at justice, we would all be doomed. thankfully God has brought justice by also showing mercy which brings us into a place of reconciliation. when we unite justice and mercy we bring the oppressor and the oppressed face to face, we find forgiveness, reconciliation and redemption and we are brought to our knees in the presence of our redeemer...together. now that is the gospel.

why I will never be addicted to coffee...

today started out just like any other... I have been a poor steward of my time and energy, and thus awoke this morning less prepared for my day than I would have liked. so, I attempted to rally for my 8am class and (i wont lie) barely made it through without dozing off. I have an hour and a half break after that before my next class, for which I had not done the reading that was to be discussed today. I was torn...to take a nap in my car in hopes of being mentally capable to dialogue in class, or power through and attempt to finish the reading so that I might have something constructive to say when the time came. I decided to power through. how, you might ask? i'll tell you. I am not normally a coffee drinker. therefore, when I got my medium sized vanilla hazelnut coffee with cream and sugar and sat down to finish my reading, I was not surprised when my foot started shaking a little faster than normal. it worked, I got through my reading, and I was wide awake and ready for my next class. but it got me thinking, as I sat there, helplessly watching my foot bob back and forth... should I be relying on an addictive substance for my energy, endurance, strength? should I not be relying on God? please don't take this to mean that i'm saying coffee is bad, or that you should stop drinking it because its not Godly. i'm not meaning to make that claim. i'm just reflecting on my desire to find my energy and strength in the one who gives me life rather than relying on an outside substance. i should confess that i have a very addictive personality. if left to my own devices, i'd be addicted to coffee, fast food, television, you name it. if i could choose, though, i would want to be addicted to being in the presence of God. why don't i get addicted to reading my Bible? why don't i get addicted to prayer? these are things i would much rather be investing in... ...also, i have a wicked case of heartburn.

Life Together: The Retreat

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is the start of a series I will be doing in my blog while I read the book Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Enjoy, comment, dialogue. Ready? Go. Last night and this morning, I was privileged to participate in the UPC Deacon's Retreat. The events of the day include an overview of LT, a prayer labyrinth (more on this later), quiet time on the dock looking out over Lake Washington, and fun intergenerational fellowship. I would also like to note that the writer's block I've been experiencing for the last who-knows-how-long has finally been broken. Woot. I will not limit the number of blogs in this series, as there is so much in this book worth reflecting on, so be prepared for anything. To give you an idea, Life Together consists of five chapters: 1. Community 2. The Day with Others 3. The Day Alone 4. Ministry 5. Confession and Communion The chapter that struck me most today was #3, and I'm thus spending some time alone to reflect on it. I'm looking forward to this series though, and for the most part, I'll probably go in order as I read and have thoughts on something. Stick around, its gonna get interesting!

El Roi

Psalm 139 1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

go big, then go home

This weekend successfully knocked me right out of my funk. It started with me trying to find enough humility within myself to simply pray and ask God for his help in bringing me out of this. I knew this weekend was going to be a challenge because as much as I love rafting, I didn't have a strong desire to be there. It wasn't until sunday that I was shaken to the core. Almost exactly this time last year, God met me on the Wenatchee river. A good friend of mine is a rafting guide and she invited me to come with her for the weekend. After all of her runs for work we decided to kayak the class 3 rapids. I had never kayaked before, let alone through rapids of any kind. Though I was slightly terrified, I climbed right in that inflatable kayak and paddled as hard as I could. Lo and behold, I made it through (with a few bumps and bruises to show for it, but that was my own fault). It might sound trivial, but God asked me to take a leap of faith and do something out of my comfort zone that even scared me a little and he brought me through. This weekend, I was back on the Wenatchee. Convergence had the annual camping and rafting weekend. My friend asked me to stay and take a second stab at the river on sunday. It ended up that I was in a boat with my guide (a rookie), and a good friend, and that was it. 3 girls in a boat made for 8-10. We stoked ourselves up for the adventure ahead of us and hit the water. I was thrown from the boat twice, and the entire boat flipped once. It was exhausting, terrifying, and exhilarating. The best part: I managed to make it out with my sunglasses. The point is, God once again showed me that he's right there in the waves with me. He doesn't promise an easy ride, that I wont fall out, that I wont be tired at the end. But he promises an adventure. Yesterday, I came home to a letter. I have been accepted to SPU for the fall quarter. The next adventure begins. This dream is becoming a reality.

truth

i want to be a person of my word. i want to "let [my] yes be yes, and [my] no be no". has this been the case so far? perhaps. perhaps not. i have had a personal goal for this last year of speaking more truth into situations. and i've come to a realization. i can't speak truth unless i can recognize truth. and at this point, i'm not too good at it. i'm a very slow processor. it takes me sometimes a day or two to fully internalize an event or someone's words, figure out exactly what happened or was said, and then decide how i feel about it. because of this, it makes it difficult to recognize truth in the moment, and call it out. i'm working on this. processing more quickly. calling out truth (affirming and difficult). i had chai with a new friend yesterday and realized that i've actually grown a lot in this area in the last few years. i used to be so incredibly un-self aware that it would be months before i could tell you how i felt or what i thought about something. i've cut that processing time down significantly. so i know this is possible. and that's encouraging. :D