superficial

is it wrong to want to die? i wish someone would kill me, so i could get out of here. this life is superficial. everything i do is for no reason at all. i have no one..except for Him. if only i could be with him now. my life is so messed up, i am so messed up..how is this supposed to work? sometimes i don't think its worth it..i wish i could sleep it all away. goodnight. edit: 9:08pm. i'm just being selfish. i hate it. i don't understand why these thoughts are going through my head. God doesn't deserve them, and neither do i. am i just searching for attention? i cleaned up tonight super fast, before anyone noticed it was done, and booked it before saying goodbye. then i called deanna and told her i had a horrible day. did i just want her sympathy? do i create horrible situations just so people will pay attention to me? after all negative attention is still attention.. i don't want to be like that. am i like that? i just don't like where i am right now. i'm........something. i don't know what. it sucks.

lent

hrm. i have been thinking for a while now about what to give up for lent. i'm not one of those people who watch a lot of tv, or eat a lot of fast food, so those things were immediately out of the question because it should be something that will affect you daily. so, the first thing that popped into my head was the internet, which is a big distraction for me. but leave it to college to assign 10 online assignments in the next couple weeks. so maybe not the internet. then i thought, i'll just give up lj. but that wouldn't be a very big deal because i haven't been on it much lately anyways. so...i think i've finally got the clencher. i'm going to give up my ipod. its the only thing that i use on a daily basis that is actually expendable. so. no more ipod. woot. i feel free. think of how much more time i could spend in prayer and reflection. ahh. love.

carpetball and four on four chairs

This weekend was intense, painful, tiring and fun. Friday night we drove down to Silver Spur. It took us almost 3 hours, and it was foggy like crazy. Plus we followed Joel for half the way, and he drives slow. we finally got there at 10. We had some fellowship time by playing Four on a Couch, but we didnt' have a couch so we called it Four on Four Chairs. After that, we all had some free time and we ended up playing Cranium with a couple college kids from Discovery Church in Stockton. They were super weird, and I lost. We were up until about 2, then got up at 8 for breakfast. the food at that place was pretty good. We had worship out by the river, sitting on a bunch of rocks. it was actually pretty serene and beautiful. The sun was out and everything. it was so weird. Then, we all came back and had some lunch. then a bunch of us got a little caught up in a game called Carpetball. It is one of the most addicting games ever. Then a bunch of people played earthball, but i opted to sit out. we had some more worship time, then had some dinner. Finally, we played some more Four on Four Chairs and then watched Napoleon Dynamite. This morning, we woke up at 9 and ate breakfast, then had a final worship time. We came back for lunch and Grace and Josh and I played one last round of carpetball. This weekend was super fun. I am sad that I didn't get to go see Katie, but I'm pretty sure this was the way that God wanted it to go down. I bonded with a few new people, and got to know some others better. But, I am so sore, and tired and exhausted. I just want to collapse.

ej04

this week...i don't even know where to begin. i thought i was strong in my faith before. but this week, i realized that before it was all superficial. i believed but i had never seen. this week i saw the amazing power of God. i really did experience Jesus. i got to see how Jesus is using me to affect the world, and how he wants me to use my life to change the lives of others. i got to see the amazing things he is doing with other people. i got to feel the power of the spirit working through me. i think one of my top three memories from the week was this: i met this girl from ARC who leads the Crusades at that school, and we were talking and she told me that she felt like she wasn't following Jesus completely and that she had doubts. and God just put the words into my mouth to make her realize that she is doing everything she can for Jesus. the words just kept coming out, and it just kept making sense and i couldn't understand how it was me saying these things. i didn't know where i had gotten the ideas in my head..and then i realized. and it felt amazing. i could say so much more about this week. but in short, i went there as a follower of Jesus, excited to do everything i can for him, and i left carrying my cross for Jesus and knowing i'm going to do everything i can for him, and confident that every moment i live i am living for him. i feel unbelievable.

nine days

if i am another waste of everything you've hoped for, i will let you down.if i am only here to watch you as you suffer, i will let you down. i can't hide my problems anymore. not even behind jesus. i've spent about 2 months now trying my hardest to focus all my energy on my relationship with God, and in that process i've managed to disregard and repress everything that was wrong in my life before. God has gotten me this far, but it is essential for me to deal with my problems, rather than letting them fester and explode over the people i've grown to care for like they did on thursday night.
the fact of the matter is that i do still think about it every day. its almost been a year. i count down the days.
the fact of the matter is that i still can't explain why sometimes i feel these horrible feelings. there is just no explanation.
the fact of the matter is that i've felt this coming for at least a week. i could feel it swelling up inside of me waiting for the moment to reveal to me that i'm not okay. i'm well on the road and i have the most important people on my side, but i am by no means ready to walk on my own. the fact of the matter is that God didn't solve my problems for me. He gave the the strength, courage, love and support that i need to do it on my own. i've been too proud. i assumed i could do it alone. i could forget about it and move on. but i can't. so i'm opening myself to help.

Biography of Errors and Faith (Insight and Honesty)

I just wrote this today, and its only a rough version, I plan to edit. but feel free to comment I used to think I knew it all. More than the average person, that's for sure. I thought I had it all figured out. In hindsight, I can't understand why I thought self-mutilation, denial and confusion meant I knew. It wasn't a period of clarity, but rather the exact opposite. You might say I saw the world with blinders; the little that I could see straight ahead was clear enough, but everything else was so cloudy and out of focus that I had no idea I was missing anything. It finally came to a point where the scars on my arms were no longer an accurate representation of who I was. I was left alone, this cracked and scarred shell of a person completely devoid of innards, of any substance at all. I was left to myself to rebuild, stitch myself up and start from scratch. This was by no means an overnight process, I had been trying for ages, unsuccessfully, and I was tired of it. I finally sat down and thought about what I hadn't tried. I asked myself "why do I feel so empty inside?" It came into my head that all that could fill me the way I wanted to be filled would be the biggest challenge I would ever face. I needed to open my heart to God through Jesus. So I began the process of making myself open, spent a few nights crying, but eventually fell asleep smiling each night. Now I am proud to say that my life is whole. I have new values, and a new outlook. I can't say that I know any more than I did. In fact, its probably even less. All I know is I am ready to live.

reflection is my middle name

me=unaffected by change nostalgic the only sane one in my family completely against complaining about situations within one's control utterly in love with music by anyone with the surname phillips (minus bijou, but including the elusive Chynna and her cohorts, sam aka leslie, and grant lee) striving to be as witty and spontaneous as fictional characters from small towns anxiously awaiting my future wanting to save (or influence directly) the lives of two very undernurtured little girls longing for love looking forward to playing catch up, and other condiment games with long lost friends a few words of advice: every chance you get, stop and take a few steps back. examine the world from a different perspective. it will change your life.