nine days

if i am another waste of everything you've hoped for, i will let you down.if i am only here to watch you as you suffer, i will let you down. i can't hide my problems anymore. not even behind jesus. i've spent about 2 months now trying my hardest to focus all my energy on my relationship with God, and in that process i've managed to disregard and repress everything that was wrong in my life before. God has gotten me this far, but it is essential for me to deal with my problems, rather than letting them fester and explode over the people i've grown to care for like they did on thursday night.
the fact of the matter is that i do still think about it every day. its almost been a year. i count down the days.
the fact of the matter is that i still can't explain why sometimes i feel these horrible feelings. there is just no explanation.
the fact of the matter is that i've felt this coming for at least a week. i could feel it swelling up inside of me waiting for the moment to reveal to me that i'm not okay. i'm well on the road and i have the most important people on my side, but i am by no means ready to walk on my own. the fact of the matter is that God didn't solve my problems for me. He gave the the strength, courage, love and support that i need to do it on my own. i've been too proud. i assumed i could do it alone. i could forget about it and move on. but i can't. so i'm opening myself to help.