three years
today marks the third anniversary of the major earthquake that occurred near Port-au-Prince, Haiti on January 12, 2010. it was a day that had millions of people turning their heads toward the television as a people and place was changed. and already devastated country experienced new pain.
but rather than tell the Haitians' story (they have a voice to do that themselves), i want to tell mine. i was there when the earthquake hit, and i felt the ground move. in the days following, i had an almost visceral reaction. i could feel tethers forming that bound my heart to the country and the people. on the 62 hour journey home i was blessed by every person i encountered, from the Haitians who protected us on the road, to the couple that housed us for the night, to the people of Turks and Caicos who fed and refreshed those who made their island a stop on their journey, to the church families in florida who cared for us stateside.
but more than the experience i had during that week, Haiti has become a part of my soul. i have returned three times since, developed friendships (as much as one can given the distance and language barrier), and devoted much of my thought, time and energy in the last three years into caring for the people i know there the only ways i can think to from home.
that week marked the beginning of a new trajectory in my life, or at least i was surprised by it. as a direct result of feeling the ground shake that day, i left the small career i was developing, went back to school, and began working toward a different life for myself. i am a different and better person for having set foot on Haitian soil, joining hands with Haitian people, and singing songs in Kreyol. and i will never let go.
but this is the first year that i have no plans to return. and so while i sit here and remember the blessed friends i have in Haiti, i also mourn that i will be watching a team experience Haiti from here as i continue graduate school, walking the very steps that i owe to the people who spoke life and truth into my very being. and i don't know how to do it.
today, my prayers and my heart are in Haiti.
Growing Up
Okay friends, I promised that I would write more about Haiti and what it means for my life coming back. Well, here is that post. Last year in Haiti, I came back with some pretty clear words from God. I had direction on next steps, letting some things go, and moving forward in a lot of areas of my life. However, when I got home it was less than a day before those lessons flew right out of my mind. I stalled. I chose not to take it seriously, not to move forward, and not to let go. As a result, I have spent much of the last year stuck in a rut. Which is not to say that I have not progressed or grown at all, or that I'm not moving forward (e.g. with schooling). It just means that my growth and progress has been hindered because I am still carrying things that I have been commanded to let go of, and still engaging in behaviors that I have been commanded to grow out of. This year, I happened to take the same journal that I had used last year, and so I read back through what was going through my head in Haiti 2011. I was shocked to see that I had "learned" the lessons that I was hoping to learn this time around! God had already given me the answers that I was looking for, I just chose to ignore it for a year. So I have realized that there are no more excuses. I can't continue to wait for God to show me or speak to me, because God already has. It is up to me to act now. It is time to stop wondering about the kind of woman of God that I could be, and start becoming that person. It is time to stop hoping my circumstances will change and act out of the situation I am in now. It is time to stop wishing I had been dealt a different hand and start playing the one I've got. It is time to grow up, stop making excuses, and live my life to the fullest. Here are some of my action points[1]: -I will find an intergenerational fellowship of women in order to gain different perspectives and wisdom outside of my peer group. -I will develop relationships with people who challenge me to growth. -I am beginning a devotional in order to maintain the act of reading the Bible for my heart and not just my mind. -I plan on losing the 20lbs I gained in my laziness this last year. -I will begin taking bigger steps toward my goal of serving overseas. This begins with a "conference" in Portland in two weeks about discerning next steps with people who know way more about missions than me. -I will establish the core values that drive me as a person...and then choose to live by them. -I will be in prayer about returning to Haiti next year, for a longer period of time, in order to work directly with the school and community in Foison. Friends, please keep me accountable to this list. Ask me about these things. Ask me what I'm learning. I would really appreciate it. <BR><BR><BR>
[1] I reserve the right to add or remove from this list at any time.
Arrest Me
I am returned from my latest jaunt in Haiti. Lo and behold, this trip has had its own group of challenges and lessons. I had the benefit of realizing them during the trip this time, and thus I am not left with confusion or trying to find answers. God spoke pretty clearly, and I left with some pretty clear calls for how to move forward. To give you a sense of where I am at, here's a song written by my friends in the band The Hills Beyond. It describes both where my heart is at this current point in time, and also is my prayer as I seek to move forward. I will post more about my processing, and the specifics of how I want to be growing in a future post. Arrest me, O God. Arrest me, O God Take captive my attention Take hold of my affection And seize my adoration For they have wandered far They have wandered far Arrest me, O God. Arrest me, O God Correct my indecision Confront my indignation Contain my own rebellion For I have wandered far I have wandered far I have wandered far Arrest me, O God. Arrest me, O God Receive me in adoption Reform me in redemption Restore me in salvation For I have wandered far I have wandered far Make me a home, for I have wandered far You make all things new And you help me love you You make all things new And you help me desire you Help us love you, Help us desire you
i'm hooked on a feeling
sorting through an experience like going to haiti is always a process. i confess this time around it has caught me off guard. i thought it would be easier this time, being the third time i've been to haiti. i thought it would be easier this time, being a leader. i thought it would be easier this time, not having specific ways i was hoping God would show up. boy was i wrong. this trip hit me hard. first of all, being a leader adds a whole host of dynamics to both the trip as well as the processing experience. not only did i get to go to haiti, but i got to watch a whole team of people go to haiti. i got to see people and places through entirely new eyes. i got to hear how God was speaking to other people on the team. that was a bigger blessing than i think i even hoped for. second, i didn't have any questions this time around. both previous trips, i had very specific things that i'd hoped God would reveal to me, or questions that i'd hoped were answered. sure enough, they were. this year, i didn't have questions. my goals were to get everyone there and back safely, and to give God as much room to work in other people's experiences as possible. beyond that, my expectations were slim. shockingly, i got answers. the only thing is...i have no idea what the questions were! so now, i'm working backwards. i have these things God showed me...but what was the question i was asking - or need to be asking?
i don't know yet. i'll get back to you.
here's what i do know: this trip was an affirmation of both my gifts as a leader and relating to others along their journeys. it was also an affirmation of my heart for haiti, and the world. i have been questioning the call i have felt to be a missionary. i don't think this call is in question anymore, though i have been humbled to the point of allowing God to decide if/when and what that looks like, and i have officially given up following the call on my terms. this trip was also a call to grieve. grief has been a theme in my life this year (see good grief), and this trip continued that. there are specific things that i repeatedly felt pushed to grieve: mistakes i have made, things i regret, people i've hurt, sacrifices i've made. things i didn't want to let go of. by the end of the trip, it hurt more to hold onto them than to let them go. some of these things i've had to let go of completely, with the intention of moving on. others i've let go of control in order to allow God to work. i have already been surprised by God. when i give God the space and freedom to work in my life, God does. i need to trust in that more. i am now going to refer back to some of the lessons i learned last year in haiti, as outlined by the Red Sea Rules: 1. realize that God means for you to be where you are. 2. be more concerned for God’s glory than your own relief. 3. acknowledge the enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord. 4. pray. 5. stay calm and confident and give God time to work. 6. when unsure just take the next logical step by faith. 7. envision God’s enveloping presence. 8. trust God to deliver in his own unique way. 9. view your current crisis as a faith builder for the future. 10. don’t forget to praise him. God is good. all the time.
Haiti, part three
in just three more sleeps i will be headed back to Haiti with a group of really awesome folks. we are working with Bruce and Deb Robinson, specifically on a school that the children of our church started raising money for over a year and a half ago. i just have four words to say to you:
I. AM. SO. EXCITED.
my bet is that this trip will be much different than the last two times i have been there for two very important reasons: a) i'm in school, and will thus be doing homework :/, and b) i'm leading this trip. i have gotten to plan, recruit a team, organize, purchase supplies, run meetings and pray for this team and trip for the last 9 months. and now we are finally going. keep your eyes peeled for stories, blogs, pictures and the like. :D
auld lang syne
call me a follower, or call me bored at the airport...either way, here are my reflections on the year 2010. quite possibly the most eventful, busiest, dynamic and quickest year of my life. instead of sharing my specific thoughts on certain events, i think i'll just highlight some things in a listing-of-facts sort of way. things that occurred in my life in 2010 - lost a dear friend unexpectedly - traveled out of the country (to haiti) twice - experienced a major natural disaster, and subsequent ordeal trying to get out of a foreign country - quit my job - moved twice - rafted a river in an 8-10 person boat with 3 people - went back to school - gained 4 new siblings - was in my first wedding as a maid of honor - had my first boyfriend, and break-up - saw ray lamontagne in concert - drove to nebraska and back - stood in two places at once - got a four-point-oh - tried - and fell in love with - pho - loved many happy new year. hopefully 2011 will have a few less twists and turns, but no less excitement and challenge.
to haiti, with love
dear haiti, my heart breaks with you at the situation in your country. 2010 has been a year full of trials and tribulation on top of centuries of unrest, corruption, and devastation. 2010 also marks the year that we met. i was there with you when your foundations shook on 12 january. i cannot pretend to understand the devastation that ensued, as i was relatively quickly whisked back to the safety and security of my "american dream". i returned in april and saw tent cities and heard stories of life after the quake. and i'm coming back. this summer was hurricane season, and i watched as winds and rain tore through your makeshift shelters. in october, because of horrific living conditions and poor sanitation, your people have suffered an outbreak of cholera. and today, the glimmer of hope that a new elected leader might change the tide was squished out amid controversy and scandal. haiti, i have set foot on your shores, felt your earth under my feet, swam in your seas, hugged your residents, played with your children, tied rebar for your school buildings, and worshiped our living God with you in your churches. my heart is inextricably linked with yours, and i will see you again. heavenly father, maker of the universe and lover of our souls, i pray for haiti. i pray for your glory to shine through the corruption, for your provision for those who have no home or food, and for a moving of your spirit so completely that haiti would know your name and turn to you. i pray for those of us of privilege, that we will know how best to help the situation without perpetuating it. i pray for a revival. and most of all i pray that your church will never forget our brothers and sisters around the world, that we will never forget the orphan, widow and foreigner. and that your church will remember what it means to be the church...to love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength...and to love others as ourselves. in the name of jesus, who in his death and resurrection redeems us all. amen. your friend, carly