i'm hooked on a feeling

sorting through an experience like going to haiti is always a process. i confess this time around it has caught me off guard. i thought it would be easier this time, being the third time i've been to haiti. i thought it would be easier this time, being a leader. i thought it would be easier this time, not having specific ways i was hoping God would show up. boy was i wrong. this trip hit me hard. first of all, being a leader adds a whole host of dynamics to both the trip as well as the processing experience. not only did i get to go to haiti, but i got to watch a whole team of people go to haiti. i got to see people and places through entirely new eyes. i got to hear how God was speaking to other people on the team. that was a bigger blessing than i think i even hoped for. second, i didn't have any questions this time around. both previous trips, i had very specific things that i'd hoped God would reveal to me, or questions that i'd hoped were answered. sure enough, they were. this year, i didn't have questions. my goals were to get everyone there and back safely, and to give God as much room to work in other people's experiences as possible. beyond that, my expectations were slim. shockingly, i got answers. the only thing is...i have no idea what the questions were! so now, i'm working backwards. i have these things God showed me...but what was the question i was asking - or need to be asking?

i don't know yet. i'll get back to you.

here's what i do know: this trip was an affirmation of both my gifts as a leader and relating to others along their journeys. it was also an affirmation of my heart for haiti, and the world. i have been questioning the call i have felt to be a missionary. i don't think this call is in question anymore, though i have been humbled to the point of allowing God to decide if/when and what that looks like, and i have officially given up following the call on my terms. this trip was also a call to grieve. grief has been a theme in my life this year (see good grief), and this trip continued that. there are specific things that i repeatedly felt pushed to grieve: mistakes i have made, things i regret, people i've hurt, sacrifices i've made. things i didn't want to let go of. by the end of the trip, it hurt more to hold onto them than to let them go. some of these things i've had to let go of completely, with the intention of moving on. others i've let go of control in order to allow God to work. i have already been surprised by God. when i give God the space and freedom to work in my life, God does. i need to trust in that more. i am now going to refer back to some of the lessons i learned last year in haiti, as outlined by the Red Sea Rules: 1. realize that God means for you to be where you are. 2. be more concerned for God’s glory than your own relief. 3. acknowledge the enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord. 4. pray. 5. stay calm and confident and give God time to work. 6. when unsure just take the next logical step by faith. 7. envision God’s enveloping presence. 8. trust God to deliver in his own unique way. 9. view your current crisis as a faith builder for the future. 10. don’t forget to praise him. God is good. all the time.