love

I have recently read two articles that have gotten me thinking. This one by Lori Gottlieb, and this one by Donald Miller. You can read these on your own, I wont rehash them here, but share some reflections. As I approach the landmark of 25 and look back on my 24th year, I can't say that I am where I thought I would be at this point last year. I have made some mistakes, been humbled, and grown a lot because of that. And I have learned a lot about love. There are things that I like about both of these articles, but at the same time, there are things that don't sit well with me. Gottlieb talks about "settling" in a relationship (read the article for the specific points she makes). To an extent, I think she has a point. The way that women go about seeking someone to spend their life with is somewhat shocking and discouraging. We have this fairytale ideal in our minds of what we should be holding out for. Its been my experience and observation that this does not exist. The story doesn't end with the charming Prince kissing the girl, followed by the words "and they lived happily ever after..." I think the point that Gottlieb is trying to make is that we need to be a little bit more realistic about what our expectations are and should be. My contention with her, though, is in some of the language she uses around "settling". The term, in my mind, sends a message that the person you are "settling" for is somehow subpar and you are lowering yourself in order to be with them. I think this robs a person of their inherent worth as a human. Rather than "settling", I prefer to think of this action as more of an awareness and a choice. Instead of choosing to seek after some unrealistic ideal that may or may not ever happen, Gottlieb's "settling" is to me the choice to engage real life as an adult. Similarly, Donald Miller talks about love as a need rather than an emotion. I love his language around this, and exploration of God as love, in this context of love as a need. Miller talks about this assumption that we have that a need exists because we have some sort of incompleteness or weakness...but what if that is not the case? What if need is inherent in what it means to be human and in relationship with God and others? After reading these two articles and reflecting for a bit, I think that love is a need. Love is a need for connection and relationship. But love is also an action, a choice. Love is a need that we each have, and love is the choice to meet that need for someone else. Without both of these things, a relationship cannot work. I cannot expect someone to meet my need for love if I am not choosing to meet their need as well. This is love. Love is not a fairytale romance. There is no "happily ever after"^[1]. Love is about walking side by side through the muck of life, a partnership, a daily choice to work together to move forward in life, to build each other up and help to meet each other's needs. This is the kind of love that I want. <BR><BR><BR><BR> ^[1]This is not to say there is no such thing as romance....that's an entirely different conversation