i have no other word for this feeling

...other than grief. fitting, since grief has been such a repeated theme this year^[1]... i am being tested in two of the areas i have felt the most called to growth this year: in learning how to grieve well, and committing to something despite occasional disagreement. in this conversation, though, these two things exist together. and the occasional disagreement has become a potentially divisive and very hurtful issue.
there are a million thoughts running through my head. i don't believe the right decision is being made, but mostly i am deeply mourning the fact that we are in the position to have to make this decision in the first place. and we put ourselves here. we need to own that. only then can we begin to move forward into a place of healing and redemption. i am praying for hope. ^[1]See here and here.