take the world upon your shoulders, and burn, burn, burn, burn, burn
so seasons are changing. i mean that literally and metaphorically. i absolutely love seeing seattle in the fall. autumn is my favorite. the colors change on the trees, the leaves fall to the ground...i fear there wont be much crunching of the leaves due to the massive amounts of rain in this region, but oh well. metaphorically speaking, i begin a new chapter of my life next week. the weight and significance of this has not hit me yet. i am about to embark on the first step of actually realizing the vision that i have for my life. for those who haven't heard, next week i start my new job as on-call residential counselor at ryther child center. this will entail working in several different residential programs that ryther offers, mainly with kids who are warrants of the state whose parents have little to no rights, and who also have severe behavioral/boundary issues, and possibly with kids who are in treatment for chemical dependency. this is going to be a really intense transition, because i have not worked in this kind of environment before. i am lucky, because so far, my plan is to keep my current job at the bank temporarily and on an intermittent basis. that means that while i'm learning the ropes and adjusting to the environment at my new job, i can have the bank as a back-up. not as a chance to keep it available to me if it gets too difficult, because i do not want to back away from this challenge. more as a confidence builder, that at least sometimes i'll be doing something that i know i'm good at. and also as a release, a chance to take a break from new stressful challenges, while still making the money that i need. now for why i am so excited for this job, and the real reason for this blog. it has been a long and eventful journey to get me here. it started out at urbana '06. i read isaiah 6 and felt a deep connection to the passage. the man i heard speak about it talked about how isaiah was given his vision by God. first, isaiah was given a glimpse of the holiness of God, an image of who God is. next, isaiah was shown the areas of his life that needed cleansing, or work, or where he was sinful. and finally, isaiah was given a calling from God. God had a task that isaiah was to fulfill and isaiah stepped up to the plate. when i read this passage, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what my journey would be like. sure enough, i saw the first part of this prophecy start to take shape. it wasn't necessarily as linear as isaiah's experience, but had all the same steps none-the-less. first i was given a vision of the holiness of God. i was overwhelmed with the realization of who God is, how great and big and loving he is. this experience was both a literal vision that i had in a dream, as well as the longer process of reading scripture and learning about the nature of God. next, God showed me who i am. i had to look at the essence of what makes me who i am. i looked at my flaws, my sins, and areas where i could grow as a person. and i also looked at things about myself that are good, beautiful and worthy of love (you might not think so, but both were equally difficult for me, since up until this point i had deemed myself unlovable). this process took an even longer period of time, finally culminating in finding peace and safety in the promises God makes about himself and his relationship with me. so for about the last year, i have been basking in how amazing it feels to know who God is, and know who i am, and how God and i relate to each other. moving to seattle was a big step in my journey as well, because it has allowed me to take a step out of the comfortable life that i've known for 21 years and see if i could fare as an adult on my own. so far its been good. since i've been here, learning how to function without the system i'd had around me til now, and learning to build my own relationships and support, i've had a chance to take a look at my life, what i'm doing to make it better, how i'm growing and what i'm doing to aid in making progress. i decided i wasn't really doing anything. i took a job in banking, which i desperately wanted to get out of when i moved here, and had started to settle into familiar routines, just in a different place. so i started taking steps to better myself. i have had a desire in my heart for travel for a long time, and have in the past few years felt like i was being led in a missionary direction, but i haven't been sure what that will look like. so, in an effort to facilitate growing towards figuring that out, i decided to work on becoming more globally minded. in this process, i have been given a vision for my life. not just a vague idea like possibly being a missionary somewhere in the world doing who knows what. i have a more specific idea of where i want to end up: i have developed a big heart for africa. namely people who are refugees from their country, people who have been affected by the civil wars that rage on that continent, and families that have been torn apart by the AIDS pandemic. it is my desire to go to africa, most likely southern africa, and start/work in an orphanage. i want to provide a home and love to children who's parents have died of aids, or who were forced out of their country due to civil war, or have other needs. i don't have a timeline on this, though. its tough to say whether i will be in africa in the next 5 years, or if it will take me 15-20 years to complete this goal. but that's what i want to be the icing on the cake of my life. its where i want to end up. so this job at ryther will be the first step toward achieving that. it will challenge me in ways that i'm not used to, and i will be able to begin pouring into the lives of children who need it the most. i will have the chance to provide hope to kids who have lost it, and love to kids who have forgotten what that feels like. so i'm excited! this blog has turned out to be way longer than anticipated, but i'm okay with that. kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing!! with love, car
you gave your body to the lonely, they took your clothes
i was hit hard with a moment of conviction today. i am a terribly judgemental person. the funny thing is, this is the biggest thing i strive NOT to be. i have been surrounded with so much judgement from people in my past and i made a decision to not be like that.
but i am.
i was sitting here at work a few minutes ago, and in walks madge. in my time here at the bank, she hasn't always been my favorite person. i have made judgements about her character, and assumptions about who she is. and i have let that affect how i treat her. i have talked about her behind her back. i have been short or bitter towards her when she has been undeserving of it. today, she sat down next to me and used the phone to call her son. perhaps i shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but we were in a small room together. it was nearly impossible not to. but hearing her interaction with her son changed my heart. granted, i have been feeling more of an affinity for her lately, but today i've been shown the error of my ways.
the fact of the matter is i do this with a lot of people. almost everyone that i work with, and some of the people i'm friends with. i put people in a box, and assume they are going to live in it for me. thats not fair. and its not fair for me to judge someone's character based on my personal distaste for a particular situation, or because someone doesn't do things exactly like i do. each of us is different, and thank god because if everyone ran around acting, thinking, feeling just like me... well lets just not think about that.
so here's hoping that my thoughts and actions will change from here on out.
on a separate, unrelated note, i'm currently in love with sufjan stevens. let me just share this song with you...
I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree
I've never known a man who loved me
beautiful words about a beautiful man.
remember abby morgan? wait, is she not funny yet?
i love people. i am nothing without the people around me. though they may change from time to time, and some are closer than others, i wouldn't be who i am today without the relationships i've been in: good, bad and everything in-between. with what a powerful impact relationships can have on a person, i have a distinct goal with my relationships. i have an image in my head of the kind of friend that i want to be, and the kind of relationships i want to have. i want to be intentional: making and continuing to make an effort to maintain relationships with people, even when distance or busy lifestyles keep us apart. i want to be real: authentic (truefaced, if you will), honest, open with who i am, while at the same time allowing for an environment for other people to be just as real, authentic and honest with me. i want to be loving: encouraging, uplifting, supportive in order to build people up. i want to challenge: challenge those around me to be the best that they can be, not settle for complacency, but achieve goals that they have for themselves, and continuously grow as human beings and in knowledge of God. i love MY people.
i'm thinking...this is where i'm at
i have been engaging in a dialogue with myself, and a few other people, and most of all, with God. i'm in the process of discovering what i believe, and what i think it means to follow Christ. i don't have all the answers, and i don't know what tomorrow brings for today's thoughts. so here's where i'm at: i think there are two big responsibilities that i have as a follower of Christ (i know there are more, but here's a couple that are on my mind): a) the relentless pursuit of God and who he has made me to be. that includes finding my identity in Christ, as well as pursuing a more intimate relationship with God. if i am not progressing as a person, and growing closer to God in the process, i see that as sin. that could be a very strong statement, but i have found truth in it. sin separates. if i am not growing and diving deeper into God, then there is some sin that is standing in the way. does this make sense? b) bring heaven to earth. too many people get caught up in thinking of heaven as a far off place that we go when we die. i think we should strive for the moments when heaven and earth collide. bringing love and social justice to the world. feed the hungry. clothe the naked. free the enslaved. and love every human. miracles happen when we listen and serve God. and when that happens, we are on holy ground. new insights abound with each passing moment. i relish these days that are full of new challenges, personal and spiritual growth, and intimate interaction with the creator of the universe. tomorrow, i might find this all overwhelming and want to go back...(i wont actually go back). but today, i'm empowered!
do you believe you're missing out when everything good is happening somewhere else?
so here's the scuttlebutt... i've been feeling really unsatisfied with my current place in life. anticipating the future, wishing and waiting for something more exciting to come along. some days i think i can wait it out. others, i want it now. either way, i'm really excited for the possibilities. God has refreshed the passion in my heart. i've been praying for that for a while now. that excites me. i don't want to lose this passion again. so now, with this reunion of self, passion and desire, i have a renewed sense of peace. God's timing is perfect. i'm not ready to pursue my passion yet. God is working in my life to develop the woman he has made me to be. he is molding me, growing me, shining his light into places in my life that i didn't know were this dark. he is moving me to maturity. when God is ready for me to go, i am going to be a missionary. most likely in an urban setting, and most likely overseas. my mission will not be church planting, my mission will be serving, and loving. there is a good chance it will involve children and youth ministry. my evangelism will be relational and through service rather than confrontational. this is my passion. almost 6 months ago, God showed me Isaiah 6. this chapter has been on my heart almost constantly since then. Isaiah is given a vision of God's holiness, then a vision of his sinfulness. once God has cleansed Isaiah, he is given his commission. as soon as i read this for the first time, i knew that it would be my process too. i waited as God took me through this process. it began with a literal vision of God's holiness (ask me about that sometime, it is a very interesting story). slowly, God started to show me areas of my life that are not pleasing to him, and areas that i need to grow in. he started to tell me who i am. though that process is still continuing (as i think it will until i get to heaven), God has been faithful and shown me my calling. i have peace in knowing that this is from God, and that he will bring it about in his time, and there are still steps that i need to take before i am ready to take that leap. there is still growth that i need to make before i am strong enough. but i am ready to begin. :)
happy valentines day
Psalm 103 (NASB) 1 Bless the LORD, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name. 2 Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits; 3 Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases; 4 Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; 5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. 6 The LORD perfoms righteous deeds And judgments for all who are oppressed. 7 He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the sons of Israel. 8 The LORD is campassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. 9 He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever. 10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. 12 As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. 13 Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. 14 For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. 15 As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourises. 16 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, And its place acknowledges it no longer. 17 But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children's children, 18 To those who keep His covenant And remember His precepts to do them. 19 The LORD has established His throne over the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all. 20 Bless the LORD, you His angels, Mighty in strength, who perform His word, Obeying the voice of His word! 21 Bless the LORD, all you His hosts, You who serve Him, doing His will. 22 Bless the LORD, all you works of His, In all places of His dominion; Bless the LORD, O my soul!
isaiah 6
Isaiah 6 (NASB) Isaiah's Vision 1 In the year of King Uzziah's death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple. 2 Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one called out to another and said, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the LORD of hosts, the whole earth is full of His glory." 4 And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke. 5 Then I said, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." 6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a bruning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. 7 He touched my mouth with it and said, "Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven." Isaiah's Commission 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go fur Us?: Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!" 9 He said, "Go, and tell this people: 'Keep on listening, but do not perceive; keep on looking, but do not understand.' 10 "Render the hearts of this people insensitive, their ears dull, and their eyes dim, otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, undrstand with their hearts, and return and be healed." 11 Then I said, "Lord, how long?" And He answered, "Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant, houses are without people and the land is utterly desolate, 12 "The LORD has removed men far awa, and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. 13 "Yet there will be a tenth portion in it, and it will again be subject to burning, like a terebinth or an oak whose stump remains when it is felled. The holy seed is its stump.