revision

last week, i had the girls full time, and one of the things that i came up with for us to do was an art project similar to the kind of mixed media projects i have done in the past. i chose to make one with them, and i was sort of surprised by the process as well as the final product that came out.

here it is in its current state:

i started without a vision for this piece, which is something i have never done before. usually i have something in mind when i begin, and i work until it is complete. this time around, i simply started and waited to see what came out. i was even expecting this to be a sort of silly collage with no real meaning, something fun to occupy our morning. but as i began to work, meaning started to flow from the way the elements were coming together.

i also read a book called For the Beauty of the Church this week, and it left me with many thoughts and questions. but one chapter talked about how one characteristic of an artist is the ability to revise. i thought this was interesting, because revision usually isn't part of my artistic process. it almost always involves a very specific vision and when i am done, i'm done.

this piece that i did last week needs revision. there are elements that are meaningful and important and there are elements that are extraneous. i am going to take the opportunity to change the things that need to be changed in order to create a piece that is rich and cohesive, rather than settle for something that is less than what it could be.

summertime goals

I have some big plans for summer. number one is to simply enjoy life with no homework, no assigned reading, and no guided theological reflection. how am I going to embrace this time? by giving myself homework, assigned reading and topics for reflection...like the nerd that I am.

so, I have already posted my reading list (which I reserve the right to add to or subtract from at any time), but here are some of the other things that I hope to accomplish this summer.

• create at least one mixed-media artistic piece. for me, this usually means some combination of acrylic, watercolor, charcoal, sketch, magazine cut-outs and mod podge. I haven't done one of these in about five years, but it has been my most satisfying artistic endeavor to date.
  
• write a blog post synthesizing my theology of Scripture and why I think it is important to understand the role of Scripture in the life of the worshiping community. this will hopefully serve a dual purpose: as a tool for me to process and organize my thoughts and hopefully as a resource for people at my church that are considering this question in light of some major topics our denomination is considering.
• hike. this one is self-explanatory, right?
• simply be with friends who are family and family who are friends. you may have noticed that I am in grad school. the funny thing about grad school is that it monopolizes a lot of my time, and it will most likely only consume more as I get further into my program. as a result, I have neglected many of the relationships that I have held dear over the last five years, and I hope to spend time wisely this summer rebuilding some of those relationships and continuing to develop the ones that I have been able to maintain this year.
• craft a poem/hymn/song/(whatever it turns into) inspired by Brother Emmanuel's book Love, Imperfectly Known
• design and get my next tattoo.

I will most likely be adding more to this list, but here is what I have so far.

the discipline of creativity

i have had a love/hate relationship with the creative aspects of my being for at least the last five years. as far back as i can remember i have wanted to be a writer. i wrote (and self-published) my first book at the age of 8. i used to dream of being a journalist or an author, seeing my name in newspapers and my face in book jackets. in high school, my senior project was an attempt to get published. i wrote a story about a roll of film that was obtained surreptitiously, and learned of different places that i could try to get it published. there is also music in my blood. i grew up in a house with a piano, drum set, guitar and bass out at all times. i played clarinet and flute most of my life. in high school i took up guitar. i have even written a few songs and played one or two shows. somewhere along the line i decided i could paint and draw and i experimented with mixed media. my room is evidence of this. in my tiny space i have a guitar, ukulele and keyboard accessible. my walls are decorated with my most prized creations. but the last five years have been marked by such a profound block that i haven't created anything that i am proud of or wanted to share with people, save a couple songs i worked on for practicum in the fall. this blog is my only regular creative outlet, and it has been my saving grace in those moments when i just need to put words out there. but it is not the form of creativity that i thrive in. this troubles me because of what i believe it means to be human. we are created beings, created by a Creative God, to participate in God's creative action. we are all creative. creativity is not about whether you can paint or play an instrument, creativity is the expression of imagination, it is producing something beautiful, it is generative. you can argue about whether or not you are artistic, but i will stand strongly behind the assertion that we are all creative. i have felt in the last year as though my creativity has been bursting at the seams. i have such an overwhelming desire to create something beautiful - a song, a poem, a painting - to express what is happening inside of me, but it doesn't come. i think i have realized something. creativity is spiritual. and there is some sense in which it has to be cultivated, maintained, developed. how do you do that? perhaps the cultivation of creativity, like spirituality, is based on discipline. we have spiritual disciplines like prayer, worship, confession, service, etc. that help us to grow as disciples and in our knowledge of God. what if there is a discipline to creativity too? what if creativity is like a life of faith, where at some point it doesn't just come easy anymore, but it is something that needs work. at some point we need to learn how to sustain it on our own, without those moments of overflowing, of abundance where we don't really have to try. these are the only kinds of moments that i know how to create from: bursts of inspiration that seem to just flow out of me without much effort. but what if creativity is more than that?

The State of Our Souls

Below is a brief poem that I composed with reference to my current study of Lamentations as well as reflecting on the state of our society and relationships in light of current tragedies. Please don't steal my work.     The State of Our Souls We live in a world that        makes us numb        and strikes us dumb In the face of unbelievable tragedy Our first reaction is to judge        to place blame        and to shame Rather than join hands and cry We have forgotten what it means        to belong        and to whom And why it matters what we say and do Because we live in a world that divides        right down party lines        and by nation and tribe All the way down to our homes and our souls

cubed

a few days ago, a couple friends and i drove from omaha, nebraska to seattle, washington. we made a pit stop in salt lake city, utah in order to avoid the 26 hour drive it would have been if we had done it straight through (like we did on the way to omaha). what is so special about salt lake city is that my aunt and uncle are there. and my brother happened to be visiting them as well. despite my delirium from being in the car for an extended period of time, and the hypnotic state that i was in from watching the monotonous scenery of southern wyoming pass by me, i decided to stay up late and visit as much as i could. it was during this time that my brother turned to me and said, "do you want to get cubed?" after a little convincing i agreed, and this is what ensued (the cube is a personality-type test). brother: imagine a desert. and in that desert imagine a cube. my cube: small enough to fit in my hand, shiny, made of glass and transparent. he also asked what my cube was doing in the desert, to which i responded that it was a buried treasure. brother: so you have a desert, and in that desert is your cube. now imagine a ladder. my ladder: a wooden ladder, leading up to the sky. in relation to my cube, it is behind with my cube at the foot of the ladder. brother: so you have a desert, and in that desert is your cube, and your ladder. now imagine a horse. my horse: a brown horse, with a flowing black mane. he is facing my cube and playfully entertaining itself. brother: so you have a desert, and in that desert is your cube, your ladder and your horse. now imagine a storm. my storm: a full on thunderstorm directly overhead. complete with flickering lightning and rolling thunder. brother: so you have a desert, and in that desert is your cube, your ladder, your horse, and a storm. now imagine a flower. my flower: an orchid, in a pot, at the foot of my ladder next to my cube. now here's the interpretation: -the cube represents your self-perception/self-esteem/ego. -the ladder represents your friendships. its relation to the cube shows how you view your friendships. -the horse represents your current romantic interest (or how you view your love life). -the storm represents your current life situation. -the flower(s) represents your children or future children. i'm going to leave the specific details for your own interpretation. let me just say that i was not mentally prepared for the level of insight that this brought be at 12am.

morning comes in paradise, morning comes in light

this new sun rises, and i have new eyes
i can see things clearly now

i can see your heart
quivering in vulnerability
wondering where to go from here
while you sip the wine
that isn't exactly an escape
but it makes you feel safe

i can see joy
that blurs the edges of life
and makes it difficult
to imagine an end
to hope

i can see a path before me
that i didn't see til now
and i fear its the one i should take
but how do you take
the first step in the right direction?

i can see love
freely given
but left unaccepted
and i feel the call
for more
to be more
to do more

i can see beauty
in the little things
and in each human
that has been hidden or lost or stolen
beauty that saves
that's beautiful

the story of a girl...

close your eyes and imagine a girl. not a woman, a girl. young and fresh at heart, yet old and broken in spirit. she stands alone, weathered and beaten by the world. surrendered before she knew she should fight. your heart is troubled by the sight of the pain she wears in her eyes and the invisible defenses she has built that leave her inaccessible to the love she so strongly desires. you want to turn your eyes away because you know there's nothing you can do to help. but before you can you look a little closer. beyond the pain and beyond the scars, you think you see a glimmer in the sad eyes of this child. way back there, now you're sure you can see it. it grows and grows the longer you look at it. this glimmer is hope. it is freedom and forgiveness. it is love. open. these circumstances don't exist anymore. this girl found hope. she found freedom and forgiveness. she found love. she has power. she is growing and she is learning and she is breaking down walls. she knows she is not in the same place that she was. but sometimes she closes her eyes. and she can remember how it felt to be a girl. young and fresh at heart, yet old and broken in spirit. and she doesn't know how to balance reflection on the past with the promise of a future.