distractions and foundations

so i've been officially back in seattle since thursday night. i have been house/dog-sitting all weekend, so i hesitate to say that life has been back to normal. being in someone else's house has actually enabled me to successfully keep myself separated from normal. an observation that i made in coming back from haiti this time around is that this "real life" that we all live in is really just full of distractions. there are enough insignificant things going on around us that if you chose to, you would never have to deal with anything of substance (that wouldn't be a healthy existence, but that's not my point). i have spent the weekend indulging in distractions in order to avoid my life. starting on sunday, though, i've slowly started to take steps to start dealing with things. i've done a lot of processing, had a few difficult (but good) conversations, started researching, etc. i have realized that at this point, i'm unsure about everything in my life right now. there is not one thing that i'm certain of, other than jesus. initially, this was terrifying. but then i started to think about the lessons that i learned in haiti, and the things i want to translate to my life here, and the things i want to let go of and the things i want to grow in. and i'm actually quite happy to be in this position. i have been brought to a place where i have no other choice but to trust god. a lot of the things are naturally going to fall away as god builds me up to fulfill his glory and plan for my life. today is the first day since being home that i've felt good, and encouraged, and happy.

We ndodana ye sizwe sonke

"oh, son of the nation" in zulu

from the song he lives in you (reprise)

the lion king - broadway musical

if you read my last blog, you have a vague idea of what is going on in my life.  i feel like that is still an accurate representation of where i'm at physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

that said, god is lining things up for me.  things i didn't expect to be lined up, but there is a path forming before me and i'm excited for it.

so far, i think being intentional with the people around me, and with god, has been working out very well for me.  i'm enjoying every little bit of where i'm at right now.

i'm also very excited for what's coming up.  giddy even.  jump up and down, scream emphatically, make you want to dance kind of excited.  god is good.

take the world upon your shoulders, and burn, burn, burn, burn, burn

so seasons are changing. i mean that literally and metaphorically. i absolutely love seeing seattle in the fall. autumn is my favorite. the colors change on the trees, the leaves fall to the ground...i fear there wont be much crunching of the leaves due to the massive amounts of rain in this region, but oh well. metaphorically speaking, i begin a new chapter of my life next week. the weight and significance of this has not hit me yet. i am about to embark on the first step of actually realizing the vision that i have for my life. for those who haven't heard, next week i start my new job as on-call residential counselor at ryther child center. this will entail working in several different residential programs that ryther offers, mainly with kids who are warrants of the state whose parents have little to no rights, and who also have severe behavioral/boundary issues, and possibly with kids who are in treatment for chemical dependency. this is going to be a really intense transition, because i have not worked in this kind of environment before. i am lucky, because so far, my plan is to keep my current job at the bank temporarily and on an intermittent basis. that means that while i'm learning the ropes and adjusting to the environment at my new job, i can have the bank as a back-up. not as a chance to keep it available to me if it gets too difficult, because i do not want to back away from this challenge. more as a confidence builder, that at least sometimes i'll be doing something that i know i'm good at. and also as a release, a chance to take a break from new stressful challenges, while still making the money that i need. now for why i am so excited for this job, and the real reason for this blog. it has been a long and eventful journey to get me here. it started out at urbana '06. i read isaiah 6 and felt a deep connection to the passage. the man i heard speak about it talked about how isaiah was given his vision by God. first, isaiah was given a glimpse of the holiness of God, an image of who God is. next, isaiah was shown the areas of his life that needed cleansing, or work, or where he was sinful. and finally, isaiah was given a calling from God. God had a task that isaiah was to fulfill and isaiah stepped up to the plate. when i read this passage, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what my journey would be like. sure enough, i saw the first part of this prophecy start to take shape. it wasn't necessarily as linear as isaiah's experience, but had all the same steps none-the-less. first i was given a vision of the holiness of God. i was overwhelmed with the realization of who God is, how great and big and loving he is. this experience was both a literal vision that i had in a dream, as well as the longer process of reading scripture and learning about the nature of God. next, God showed me who i am. i had to look at the essence of what makes me who i am. i looked at my flaws, my sins, and areas where i could grow as a person. and i also looked at things about myself that are good, beautiful and worthy of love (you might not think so, but both were equally difficult for me, since up until this point i had deemed myself unlovable). this process took an even longer period of time, finally culminating in finding peace and safety in the promises God makes about himself and his relationship with me. so for about the last year, i have been basking in how amazing it feels to know who God is, and know who i am, and how God and i relate to each other. moving to seattle was a big step in my journey as well, because it has allowed me to take a step out of the comfortable life that i've known for 21 years and see if i could fare as an adult on my own. so far its been good. since i've been here, learning how to function without the system i'd had around me til now, and learning to build my own relationships and support, i've had a chance to take a look at my life, what i'm doing to make it better, how i'm growing and what i'm doing to aid in making progress. i decided i wasn't really doing anything. i took a job in banking, which i desperately wanted to get out of when i moved here, and had started to settle into familiar routines, just in a different place. so i started taking steps to better myself. i have had a desire in my heart for travel for a long time, and have in the past few years felt like i was being led in a missionary direction, but i haven't been sure what that will look like. so, in an effort to facilitate growing towards figuring that out, i decided to work on becoming more globally minded. in this process, i have been given a vision for my life. not just a vague idea like possibly being a missionary somewhere in the world doing who knows what. i have a more specific idea of where i want to end up: i have developed a big heart for africa. namely people who are refugees from their country, people who have been affected by the civil wars that rage on that continent, and families that have been torn apart by the AIDS pandemic. it is my desire to go to africa, most likely southern africa, and start/work in an orphanage. i want to provide a home and love to children who's parents have died of aids, or who were forced out of their country due to civil war, or have other needs. i don't have a timeline on this, though. its tough to say whether i will be in africa in the next 5 years, or if it will take me 15-20 years to complete this goal. but that's what i want to be the icing on the cake of my life. its where i want to end up. so this job at ryther will be the first step toward achieving that. it will challenge me in ways that i'm not used to, and i will be able to begin pouring into the lives of children who need it the most. i will have the chance to provide hope to kids who have lost it, and love to kids who have forgotten what that feels like. so i'm excited! this blog has turned out to be way longer than anticipated, but i'm okay with that. kudos to you if you actually read the whole thing!! with love, car

live your hopes, not your fears

I am in need of a new creative outlet.  In honor of several new friends that keep a blog, I've chosen this form of expression.  It's much cheaper than painting.
A few months ago, 5 to be exact, I moved to Seattle.  It was difficult, duh.  I was beyond excited to get out of Elk Grove, and was prepared for what was to come, but actually experiencing it was a whole other story.  It has been a complete blessing and challenge to be here with my best friend.  We have added a new dynamic to our friendship: being roommates.  I like it.

We have gotten jobs, made new friends, started cultivating lives for ourselves in this new place.  We have little things here and there that are the same, like our mutual love of road trips, that help to keep us going when the new environment gets tough.  But most of all, every day is exciting!

I can honestly say that I am completely in love with living in Seattle.  I love being here and sharing it with my best friend.  I love the amazing new people that we've met and had the pleasure to get to know lately.  The Fab Four, as we like to call ourselves, are pretty much the most amazing group of people you'll ever know.  I love that there's always somewhere to go when you want something new, and I love that there's already the tried and true places that have become routine stomping ground.  I love getting up everyday and thinking about how much I love this city.  I love coming around the hill and seeing the Seattle skyline and feeling like I'm home.  I love that its still full of unlimited possibility.  And I love that I don't feel stuck here.
<BR> There is an underpass that I drive often that in light of upcoming elections has some graffiti on it that reads: "vote your hopes, not your fears". one day as I drove by, it got me thinking. that's actually a pretty good motto for life. Think about it...<BR> Live your hopes, not your fears<BR> Live out what you hope for your life, don't live into what you fear for it.<BR><BR>
I can't wait for each new day.  And that's a good feeling.