coming out, catching up, filling in the gaps

this post is intended to cover a few details from the last couple years that i have slacked on the posting. and to celebrate asexuality awareness week. i wasn’t sure what would come out when i sat down to write, but i feel such a sense of release after letting this out.

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i have had this blog in various iterations for over fifteen years. sadly, i haven’t written in over two years, and i find that most unfortunate because i think the most has changed in these two years than any other period of my life. not simply circumstantial change, but soul-changing growth.

sometimes i go back and read through old posts to remind myself how far i have come. more recently though, i don’t recognize myself in the words that i read. i am not proud of all of my words or everything i did. but this is me. i want to figure out how to hold all of the parts of my story.

i am the same seven-year-old who would rather play baseball than barbies.

i am the same thirteen-year-old full of angst who just wanted to know that i matter.

i am the same twenty-two-year-old who would leave everything for the chance at adventure.

i am the same twenty-seven-year-old privileged theologian completely oblivious to what’s around the corner.

in the last two-three years i have experienced a major depressive episode, gone on medication, been ready to die, gone off medication, and found peace. i let all of the spinning plates fall down around me, and i learned that i will survive, and still be loved, when i fail. i became a therapist, traveled to Europe, turned 30…and came out as queer.

the funny thing is, this isn’t a new process and it isn’t new information. i was discovering my queer identity when i was four and when i was fourteen. when i turned seventeen i became a christian, and queerness became (implicitly and explicitly) not okay. i quit queerness cold turkey.

for a long time i tried to fit the model of womanhood that the church and society idolizes. i tried to care about makeup and dresses. i convinced myself that my goal in life was to find a husband, get married and have kids. i tried. i unwittingly deceived myself.

and then at some point something switched. it started with processing the bullshit social construct called "virginity." believe it or not, theology dragged me through the next few steps, as i internalized my inherent worthiness - whether or not i met societal expectations. theology also opened my eyes to patriarchy, white supremacy, and privilege. and i couldn't pretend anymore.

i don't like labels. ask me if i identify with something and i will probably take a deep breath, look thoughtfully into the air and begin with a "weeelllll......" but there is one i will own: i am queer.

i love this term because it is non-dualistic. it is specific, yet open. it implies imagination and invites flexibility. i love it because it hopes you will ask me more. i am queer.

i hope your next question is "what does that mean for you?"

for me queer means that i balk at societal expectations of what gender is supposed to be. i love the feminine and masculine aspects of my personhood and i express whatever feels true to me to express at any given time. it also means that i can feel beautiful even though i don't look like people who usually get this label.

for me queer means that sex is not the most important thing in the world to me. sexuality is bigger than what genitals come together - or don't. connection and intimacy is meaningful to me, and i experience that in myriad ways with many and multiple people.

queer means that i imagine possibilities for the fullness of life that cannot be imagined in racist, misogynistic, or closed systems. and it means that my existence is a form of resistance to these systems.

queer also means that i belong to a community of the marginalized. it means that i experience discomfort, disrespect and sometimes fear in public spaces where people are close-minded and ignorant. it means that i experience hurt from people who are close to me who don't try to understand where i'm coming from or how heteronormativity is damaging to all of us. it means that i am alienated from cisgender, heterosexual circles - intentional or not.

i am queer.

i would not be at this point today without the journey i have been on. i cannot throw away my queerness or my theology. and yet, there are few places where i can hold them both together. for me, this is the personal task at hand: to integrate queer and spiritual identities. i know it is possible, and i am so ready for it.

i hope this marks a return to writing for me. this has been good for my soul.