still more

air rushes inand for the hint of a moment
i am full
i am filled
until
the flutter of
adrenaline kicks
and just as quickly
the air escapes
the salty droplets
seem to halt
at my lashes
because i can't bring myself to
let go
there is a weight
so heavy on my chest
as the rhythm repeats:
in, full
panic, out
because i know
deep down i know
there is still more to process
still more pain
still more lies to dismantle
still more truth to unfold
this is me
i am strong
i am confident
i am whole
i am known
and named.
it isn't a lie
yet
words
and memories
still swirling around
still stuck in my heart
words
and memories
like bricks and mortar
keeping this wall
impenetrable
but why?
my biggest question is
why?
why is love still the issue?
why have i gotten so good at portraying an image
no matter how true
that it is the only thing even i can see?
why don't i believe it?