breath

today i feel overwhelmed. in my head i know...i know this is temporary, i know i have the power and energy and time to get done what i need to get done, and yet i can't see the full picture right now. i know that there is growth and learning and paradigm-shifting on my horizon, but i also know how hard those transitions are.

i had two major realizations today. two very big, very important, process-instigating realizations. damn it.

i have been told i am an artist. i realized today that i have not internalized this label yet. i don't see myself as an artist, i have not used this word to describe myself to other people, and i am not sure i believe it just yet. i feel entirely incompetent, and that is a problem because part of the work that i am doing is inviting other people into their creativity...but i haven't come to terms with or defined my own. maybe that is okay right now, and in a sense it has to be okay.

i also discovered a root. there has been this nagging issue, this thing sitting in my mind, occupying thoughts and energy. i have been wondering why, wondering why this is the issue that i am focusing on, knowing that it is just an indicator of something bigger and deeper. i have been praying for some idea of what that is, how to begin to move into healing and health. i think i stumbled onto the root today, and i do mean stumbled. or maybe i knew the root the whole time and today i figured out which angle to use to start hacking away. either way.

and so here i am, in some ways at a beginning or at least a point of clarity, feeling deeply insecure and anxious about the personal work that i need to do, particularly because the rest of my life doesn't get to be put on hold. there is still a lot on my plate. why is this stuff coming up now? what am i supposed to do with it?!