rhythm and (of) grief

this theme doesn't go away.

this week, grief surprised me. my heart has been hurting, for several reasons. one is not my story to tell, but i am sitting in grief with and for the one whose story it is.

today marks a year since my grandma jo died. i have been thinking on and preparing for this day all week, and somehow it still managed to catch me off guard. i have known for some time that my life has a rhythm and a cycle, there are seasons that are somewhat predictable. i like to measure my life in dates and anniversaries, i like to remember, and to see how far i have come. but what i learned this week is that those anniversaries that i remember also carry emotions. as i pulled into the parking lot of school on tuesday night, i re-felt the emotions that i felt that night last year when i sat in the parking lot crying on the phone with my mom. i re-felt the pain of not being able to be there to see my grandma or to say goodbye. i re-felt the anxiety of waiting for that dreaded phone call bearing the news i didn't want to hear. i have never been so aware of the depth with which i relive the feelings in this rhythm of my life. i am still processing this.

i also made a hard decision this week. i think i am going to spend this christmas in seattle. this was hard because this will be the first christmas that i haven't been home, been able to spend that day with my family. it is particularly difficult because now there are brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews that i wont get to snuggle with, who wont wake me up when its time for stockings, who i wont get to chase around the house. it hurts to even imagine not being present, and i am grieving. and yet...this decision feels good, and right. there are things happening here that i am excited to be a part of. but it is still hard. to be clear, i think i will still get to go home at some point during my break from school, i just wont be in california for christmas.

sitting in it...again, still.