so life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
here are some of my thoughts on a pertinent subject for this period in our lives. this has been an ongoing conversation around me for some time now, and i think it might be time to share how i really feel. not that i haven't been honest up til this point, but there is more that i've held back in an effort to not hurt people's feelings. but i think this is truth. and it needs to be said. we are at the age where relationships are a huge focal point of our lives. that's great. people are worth our investment. here's where i get concerned. there has been a lot of impatience about god bringing that man or woman of people's dreams, to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, happily ever after. let me first just say that i am not discounting this desire. it is one that i share. i definitely desire to meet a man who shares my heart for jesus, my passion for missions, and all those wonderful things and we can get married and run off and have adventures together. but here's where my thoughts start to differ a bit. it makes me sad when people are not content with where god has them at the present time. if there's one thing i've learned on this journey with jesus, its that his plans are way better than mine. the greatest thing i could possibly imagine for my life is miniscule compared to what he has in store. he will blow my mind, and rock my world...if i let him. i know people get tired of hearing others tell them that "god has a plan for their lives", "you just have to be patient", "god will give you the desires of your heart" or "god is just getting you ready"...but people say that stuff BECAUSE ITS TRUE!!! these are all statements of trust. the most basic foundational thing of a relationship with jesus is: TRUST trust that god knows you better than you know yourself, and that he's got your back. it's simple. we humans make it so difficult when it doesn't have to be. furthermore, i think the most important thing we can do in preparation for whatever god has in store for us is to search our own hearts, and seek to be like jesus. if you are not seeking, growing, learning, then you're not ready! i desire to be the best woman i can be for this man when he crosses my path, and i sure hope that he's growing into the best possible man he can be for me. another thing that i think is key to a healthy mindset about this is knowing god and yourself enough to be okay if there isn't a marriage on your horizon. jesus tells us there is no marriage in heaven (i say that not to disregard marriage on earth, because i think it's good, right, and true as well). in heaven we wont need to worry about who's married to whom. we will have jesus. and the same is true now. we have jesus. the rest of it matters an insignificant amount in comparison. matthew 22:29-30 Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." in 1 corinthians 7, paul talks about marriage and how when you are unmarried, you are free to be fully devoted to god. i think that he says this to let us know that being single is a blessing too. marriage is amazing, and knowing another person in such an intimate way was designed by god to give us a taste of the relationship between the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and a vision of what heaven will be like. BUT, when we are single, we are free to fully pursue his calling in our lives, his will on earth, and opportunities that we might not be given if we were committed to someone else. that is a blessing! lastly, jesus says in matthew 6:33 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." i am not sharing all these thoughts to make you feel bad about where you are, or to tell you you're wrong. not in the slightest. i merely hope that this will serve as a reminder that god is good, and we should seek him first. he is the one to whom all glory is given, and i for one want his direction in my life. so seek him, and what he has for you, now, today, in this moment. ask him to show you how you can grow, change, be more like jesus. he wont let you down.
rainer maria rilke
i'm having trouble focusing today. which is probably good, because at the moment i'm trying to focus on reading the time traveler's wife, and its the last few pages and i'm not ready for it to end. i'm feeling a bit of ennui today. i'm not sure whether it is the result of the death of my dear friend chuck norris (our fish), or the thoughts that are weighing on my heart and mind lately, or the lack of amazing things looming on my horizon, or some combination of the above. probably the latter. i'm grieving potential losses, which is silly because they are not yet losses, so why am i causing undo stress on myself? do i think its better to start grieving now so i'll be less sad later when it actually happens? this is warped logic. each day has enough trouble of its own, why worry about hypothetical situations in the future that i can't control? or can i control them by being aware of the possibilities now, and actively seeking positive outcomes? i wish it were possible to read, write, and play minesweeper at the same time. i am still haunted by words that my counselor said to me a couple years ago: he called me "wonderfully complex". i hate that about myself. i wish that i could just let things be simple. love God, love people. nothing else matters. if only it was that easy. i'm very excited to learn about building godly, loving relationships in my small group. this study is going to be good. i think my fears have warped themselves. i know that i have a fear of abandonment, and a fear of being unlovable. but i think now, there's also this element of the fear of being left behind...of being stagnant while people around me are moving forward. i am appalled by how much power these lies have over my life, the way i think, the way i feel, and the way i act. how did i get to this point? how do i combat this? how do i take that power back, and give it to god? "our heart survives between hammers, just as the tongue between the teeth is still able to praise...look, i’m alive. on what? neither childhood nor the future grows less…more being than I’ll ever need springs up in my heart." - the ninth elegy, rainer maria rilke i have words floating around in my head. words, words, words...beckoning to be spilled on a page, to be freed from my head and my heart. but i don't know what they are. are these them?
celebration wedding
by bradley hathaway this is for the ones whose hope is falling and you no longer heed your savior's calling. this is for the ones whoes backs are turning and that passion-filled heart you once had has stopped burning. this is for the ones abandoned. now all alone with no solace and you think that you're stranded. this is for you empty, by life branded, had a vision that took leap, but it never landed. this is for the ones who are plagued. by those mysteries of life. and you feel torn inside by this mind and spirit strife. this is for the ones whose mistakes are too many to count and the guilt on your chest just continues to mount. this is for the ones whoes desire to do good is always outweighed and you don't do as you should. this is for the ones who have been done wrong by sins. at the corrupted hands of perverted men. hold on. HOLD ON! soon will come the Celebration Wedding and bundles of restoration will be our bedding. soon will come the Celebration Wedding and bundles of restoration will be our bedding. the trumpeteer is taking a breath the guests are taking their seats. the Bride is putting on a veil. the Father is making last-minute preparations. there's ten thousand times ten thousand angels waiting in holy expectation. the readied groom is ready. soon will come the Celebration if you are hurting, your hurt will cease. if you are restless, you will find peace. if you are empty, you will be filled. all of these doubts and questions you have, they'll be stilled. if life for you is just too trying, your tears will be dissipate. there won't be anymore crying. if the only thing you know is shame, you will be cleansed and never again feel the same. if you can't see straight focus persevere and wait... soon will come the Celebration Wedding and bundles of complete restoration will be our bedding.
jesus wants to save christians
the Eucharist confronts its culture with the question, if we can spend a trillion dollars on a war, what else could we spend a trillion dollars on?
water?
food?
medicine?
education?
the Eucharist is about converting all of that ability and energy and entrepreneurial skill and can-do attitude into blessing for those on the underside of power. those on the margins. those who aren't in the game.
the Eucharist is about people with the power empowering the pwerless to make a better life for themselves.
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we have been given everything we need for the fulfillment of the story. and the act of loving the poor is an act of fulfilling, remembering; it's living our hope; it's the fullness of him who fills all things in all ways.
it's not a building, because no building can ever be big enough for that kind of grace.
the Eucharist is not fair.
giving to those who can't give in return, that's not fair.
serving those who have no way to serve in return, that's not fair.
breaking yourself open and pouring yourself out for people who may never say thank you, that's not fair.
because God is not fair. this is a God who is defined by action on behalf of the oppressed. God is about giving the good gift. Jesus is God's good gift for the healing of the world. the church is Jesus' body, a good gift for the healing of the world.
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a church is an organization that exists for the benefit of nonmembers.
this blessing extends even to our enemies.
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the Eucharist is about the church setting the table for the whole world.
and i do believe its true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes
so i spent this past weekend up in the mountains with a fabulous group of women, being ridiculous, singing, dancing, making awkward faces and practicing being authentic. i have no other way to describe it other than amazing!!!
there were 23 awesome women, and i was blessed to feel like i made a friend in each of them. some had the opportunity to get deeper than others, but all in all i feel confident in saying that i have 23 new friends. i look forward to growing those relationships, and continuing to learn about these new people.
as you know, authenticity, truth, openness, love, etc are all values that i've been striving to grow in my life and with the people around me. this weekend was so condusive to that...just in the way that we spent our time, and the attitude that everyone had. we had a good amount of bonding activities, and free time to be silly and hang out, but the way we spent our devotional and small group time was also great! we had some deep questions, and i was blessed with a group that was ready to answer them, and be authentic, and show the others a glimpse of who they really are. it really helped to reinforce what's going on in my heart, as well as give me so much hope for where this group, and the church in general, is going from here. it was very cool to see so many people that have the same desires as me as far as building relationships. and very encouraging in my personal desire to be more intentional in my own friendships.
like i've been saying in my recent posts...things are happening. god is good. i'm soooo excited.
whispers "he is still here!"
We ndodana ye sizwe sonke
"oh, son of the nation" in zulu
if you read my last blog, you have a vague idea of what is going on in my life. i feel like that is still an accurate representation of where i'm at physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
that said, god is lining things up for me. things i didn't expect to be lined up, but there is a path forming before me and i'm excited for it.
so far, i think being intentional with the people around me, and with god, has been working out very well for me. i'm enjoying every little bit of where i'm at right now.
i'm also very excited for what's coming up. giddy even. jump up and down, scream emphatically, make you want to dance kind of excited. god is good.
if you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud...the love that i was giving you was never in doubt
i have been incredibly blessed. the last time i wrote, i was about to embark on a journey to kenya, and now i have returned. since this adventure, i have been listening to god. i had an amazing time, and i'm still processing what that means for my future. but the thing is, instead of asking god for a clear answer to where i should go next, he is showing me something different. not a different path that i should be on, but rather a new way to live. my biggest "challenge" on my trip to kenya was being vulnerable. i did not open up to the people there like i could have. not that my trip was anything less than amazing, but this was something that i was aware was going to be a challenge before i left, and i didn't do a very good job of being aware and overcoming it. since being back, god has been showing me that he is vulnerable, and that i need to be vulnerable with him before i can have a chance at being vulnerable with other people. god loves me unconditionally, sees me as who i am, every detail, and if i can't be vulnerable with him, how can i be vulnerable with fallible humans? this goes hand in hand with everything that i believe in, and everything that i've wanted for my life in the past year or two. i desire to be intentional in my friendships, to be authentic and real and be who we are right where we are at, in the presence of god. but how am i going to do that without god?! lightbulb so there it is. there's where i'm at. i'm content with not knowing the answer right this very moment, but i'm also not giving up at pursuing it! if it is not god's will, he will shut the door. and if it is, i am embarking on the path of a lifetime. awesome. love.