Shifting
I've just begun to realize exactly how much things are changing this year. Not only have I started back at college and am on staff at my church, but that seems to be affecting every other aspect of my life as well. I think I anticipated that, but I'm just starting to reflect on its reality. I feel like my role in my community and friendships has changed. Last year I wanted to be at and participate in everything. This year, I'm hanging back. Last year I wanted to know and be friends with everyone. This year, I'm choosing a smaller number of people to be more intentional with. Last year I was a member of a community. This year I'm helping to lead it. It's strange. It feels like its a good fit for my life right now, but its an adjustment, to be sure. I really am loving being a student at SPU. And I'm also loving working in missions and service, despite the fact that at this point its a lot of concept and not a lot of practice. Generally speaking, life is good. But is very different from what it looked like 2 months ago.
leaky ceiling
its saturday, and i'm at work. we have a leak in our roof. well, more like 3. as we placed a bucket underneath to catch the water and looked up to the sky, we could see the damage to the area surrounding the leak. it occurred to me that this isn't just a little bit of water coming in from a storm outside. this has the potential to do a lot of damage to the structure of the building. and i was struck at the profound significance this thought has in the rest of my life right now. i'm at the point in a particular situation where the roof is caving in around me, and i have to ask myself, when did the leak start? at what point did i make the decision to ignore it? have i known all along that this was going to happen? the thing of it is, i think i can pinpoint when the leak started. and i think the leak was fear. i chose to ignore it for a long time. the time has come to actually deal with the matter at hand. how much am i at fault? how much do i need to let go of? can we even start over, or is this damage irreparable? sure enough, the only answer is God. his grace, mercy, love, forgiveness and hope.
think i'm mistaking you for somebody else
i'm writing today having just returned from a short visit home to elk grove. who am i kidding, all my visits to elk grove are short, thank goodness. anyway, my best friend and a couple good ones drove back to our hometown partially to celebrate a birthday, and partially to reconnect with important things in our past and present lives. overall, the trip was great, and much needed, since i had not been back since christmas, and even then it was a very short visit. i did, however, learn a few things while i was there. first: i have come a long way from the person that i used to be. it had been almost a year since i've spent time with these people, particularly my family, and i've had a lot of big experiences and adventures since then. i was able to share some of this with them, and it felt good to be able to invite them to know the person that i feel like i'm well on my way to becoming. it was also encouraging to hear positive statements of affirmation from them, recognizing a change. second: aside from my family, i have come to realize that the support system, and network of friends that i once held so dear is no longer what it used to be. that is okay. i had fun visiting briefly with the few friends that i got to see. but i've come to realize that i've developed the community i've desired here, in seattle. i had hopes in moving up here, desires, and i've seen them come to fruition. that's a good feeling. third: i get really irritable when i'm exhausted. sorry for that. ;)
rainer maria rilke
i'm having trouble focusing today. which is probably good, because at the moment i'm trying to focus on reading the time traveler's wife, and its the last few pages and i'm not ready for it to end. i'm feeling a bit of ennui today. i'm not sure whether it is the result of the death of my dear friend chuck norris (our fish), or the thoughts that are weighing on my heart and mind lately, or the lack of amazing things looming on my horizon, or some combination of the above. probably the latter. i'm grieving potential losses, which is silly because they are not yet losses, so why am i causing undo stress on myself? do i think its better to start grieving now so i'll be less sad later when it actually happens? this is warped logic. each day has enough trouble of its own, why worry about hypothetical situations in the future that i can't control? or can i control them by being aware of the possibilities now, and actively seeking positive outcomes? i wish it were possible to read, write, and play minesweeper at the same time. i am still haunted by words that my counselor said to me a couple years ago: he called me "wonderfully complex". i hate that about myself. i wish that i could just let things be simple. love God, love people. nothing else matters. if only it was that easy. i'm very excited to learn about building godly, loving relationships in my small group. this study is going to be good. i think my fears have warped themselves. i know that i have a fear of abandonment, and a fear of being unlovable. but i think now, there's also this element of the fear of being left behind...of being stagnant while people around me are moving forward. i am appalled by how much power these lies have over my life, the way i think, the way i feel, and the way i act. how did i get to this point? how do i combat this? how do i take that power back, and give it to god? "our heart survives between hammers, just as the tongue between the teeth is still able to praise...look, i’m alive. on what? neither childhood nor the future grows less…more being than I’ll ever need springs up in my heart." - the ninth elegy, rainer maria rilke i have words floating around in my head. words, words, words...beckoning to be spilled on a page, to be freed from my head and my heart. but i don't know what they are. are these them?
and i do believe its true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes
so i spent this past weekend up in the mountains with a fabulous group of women, being ridiculous, singing, dancing, making awkward faces and practicing being authentic. i have no other way to describe it other than amazing!!!
there were 23 awesome women, and i was blessed to feel like i made a friend in each of them. some had the opportunity to get deeper than others, but all in all i feel confident in saying that i have 23 new friends. i look forward to growing those relationships, and continuing to learn about these new people.
as you know, authenticity, truth, openness, love, etc are all values that i've been striving to grow in my life and with the people around me. this weekend was so condusive to that...just in the way that we spent our time, and the attitude that everyone had. we had a good amount of bonding activities, and free time to be silly and hang out, but the way we spent our devotional and small group time was also great! we had some deep questions, and i was blessed with a group that was ready to answer them, and be authentic, and show the others a glimpse of who they really are. it really helped to reinforce what's going on in my heart, as well as give me so much hope for where this group, and the church in general, is going from here. it was very cool to see so many people that have the same desires as me as far as building relationships. and very encouraging in my personal desire to be more intentional in my own friendships.
like i've been saying in my recent posts...things are happening. god is good. i'm soooo excited.
whispers "he is still here!"
remember abby morgan? wait, is she not funny yet?
i love people. i am nothing without the people around me. though they may change from time to time, and some are closer than others, i wouldn't be who i am today without the relationships i've been in: good, bad and everything in-between. with what a powerful impact relationships can have on a person, i have a distinct goal with my relationships. i have an image in my head of the kind of friend that i want to be, and the kind of relationships i want to have. i want to be intentional: making and continuing to make an effort to maintain relationships with people, even when distance or busy lifestyles keep us apart. i want to be real: authentic (truefaced, if you will), honest, open with who i am, while at the same time allowing for an environment for other people to be just as real, authentic and honest with me. i want to be loving: encouraging, uplifting, supportive in order to build people up. i want to challenge: challenge those around me to be the best that they can be, not settle for complacency, but achieve goals that they have for themselves, and continuously grow as human beings and in knowledge of God. i love MY people.
my super power
I have what I like to call a super power. I think its great - when it works to my advantage. You might not think its so amazing, but I do. So are you ready?