another year

normally, i'm the kind of person who is highly refective. i usually post something around this time considering the year, what i accomplished, and what i'd like to see in the coming year.

i don't particularly want to do that this year.

but, i'm going to make myself do it.

2017 was a really good year. it was a year that i finally found balance and learned how to love myself and take care of myself in a way that didn't perpetuate shame for the ways i had seemingly let myself down. i learned contentment.

and then there was 2018. nothing about this year was what i expected it to be. to consider some of the goals i had set for myself: i didn't finish my thesis or theology degree, i didn't leave the country, i didn't get a new tattoo. i did, however, launch a private practice (sort of), lose 20+lbs, knit a harry potter sweater, and i have almost written a book (though it is not the one i had in mind when i set the goal).

again, i am reminded that much of what i have accomplished is not specifically measurable, so i suppose i should consider the second set of goals i had for the year:

love well and as much as possible learn always stop being an awkward mess spend more time with hella queer people chill the fuck out

i think i accomplished these. it wasn't easy. in fact, it was magical, holy, scary, heartbreaking, and painful. and i'm still not sure where i stand. at this point last year, i was very sure of my footing and ready for whatever was to come. this year, at this point, i don't feel so steady. which is simply to say that given how the year progressed, it is not ending how i thought it would. given where i stood at this point last year, i am not where i thought i'd be.

in many ways, i have taken leaps forward this year. and in some ways it seems i have to catch back up to the person i was at the end of 2017. i'm trying to hold those two things together.

next year, i'm keeping two goals: love well learn always