perspective

tonight I occupied a time and space that I haven't occupied in at least three and a half years.

I am sort of at a loss.

I didn't go to class tonight. instead, I took a drive. I ended up where I began, a block from my first Seattle apartment. my feet dangled over the ledge at Kerry Park, and I could see my breath in the chill night air. but most importantly I could see the lights of the city lit up against the dark sky, and I watched the ferry boat glide across Puget Sound.

I made a choice. I am here. I am whole, named and known. and I have come so far. this space that I am in is not me.

and so, I am left with questions. why now? how did I get here? I imagine it was not one moment but rather the compromising of many moments that got me here, to the one that finally did me in. how can I avoid this place in the future?

unfortunately, these questions remain unanswered for now. I await the moment I find the ability to breathe regularly again, when I can search for these answers with the benefit of hindsight, and with the freedom of a long weekend.