observations

A month or two ago, I posted about this particular season of my life. In short, the months between November and February are notoriously spiritually and emotionally challenging. I like to act like I'm growing each year and I don't repeat the same patterns, but I do. To an extent I learn more each year, but by no means have I escaped these issues. In the week or so leading up to starting this second quarter of school I've had some apprehension, some second thoughts, and a desire to turn around and run for dear life. Then it hit me. In my adult life, I have never finished anything. Since the first semester of my junior year of college, when I dropped out of school, I have not seen any part of my life through to completion. I have not been at a set position at a job for more than 6 months. I quit my first internship 3 months in. I have moved 9 times in 5 years. Why? My life has been in a constant state of self-inflicted instability for the last 5 years, and I have learned to make that comfortable, even find freedom in it. This year, I'm growing in my awareness of the feelings that I have during this time. I'm beginning to recognize the emptiness and numbness that before would take hold of me so strongly that I existed as a mere shadow in the world. I can now start to put words on thoughts and feelings that for so long have remained elusive. This is progress. But where do I go from here? How do I begin to make changes that help me to step out of this place, and eventually get to the point where I don't come here anymore? How do I address whatever root is causing this...when I'm not even sure what that root is?