introspection

i was about to make this friends only, but then i realized i don't particularly care. if people don't want to hear it, they don't have to read it. so don't. i don't like stopping to think. like seriously, i've decided that's why I want to move to LA. its soo busy that I can just lose myself and not have to ever worry about how i feel ever again. that's where i get myself into trouble. i don't want to be dumb and write about all the things that are getting me down lately, cuz there aren't that many, and not many of them relate to you all out there in lj-land. but i also don't want to sit here and talk about all the things that i've got to feel good about, cuz they are plentiful as well. i'd rather just sit here and say that i don't want to go. i'm enjoying being here with all the people i care about, and the past two weeks (or however long its been since everyone got here) have been so awesome. a refreshing break from everything, and yet the furthest thing from. i like christmas, because everyone's happy and caring and etc. and i love my family. (most of them). and i'm scurred. i'm scurred about why i love them so much, and why it had to be this way, and what's going to happen next year when my family falls apart. make no mistake that i'm not talking about what is getting me down, because i'm not upset that my grandma is dying. i've come to grips with that, and she's already lived longer than we all expected. i think that going to utah with her is the best gift i could ever get her.